The last few weeks were crazy, like totally and absoulutely insane. First of all, I got a job!!!!! It's only for a few months, but it pays and it's a job so I'm quite happy about it. It's in a bank. I swear, people are so f*ing dumb they would even sign to sell out their insides. But I like it. The boss is awesome, I don't even see her around. And people with their idiotism can be entertaining, they break the monotonity. Also, no work at the weekend.
About Danny... We fell apart again. It was nasty, really, really big. But we talked it over (again). I decided to be smart and bend just a little because it would have been a dead end if neither of us had loosened a bit. I pulled away, what made him withdraw, what made me pull even further so it was nonsense. I let down my guards for him in general, this can only work this way and it makes him to open up as well. They broke with Jess. I felt so damn guilty when he told me, for one, I was a bitch with him and for two, there was a tiny moment, a blink of a time when I was happy about it. Of course, my next thought was that he was hurt and what a terrible person I was to feel good but I couldn't help it. Oh, well, I'm a human being and I'm selfish sometimes, can't help it. But it's fine, I'm working my way through my messed up mind. It's time for that.
2011. július 11., hétfő
2011. június 25., szombat
Dancing on broken glass
Sooo... Things are a bit slippery nowadays. I thought after our grown up talk with Danny we could manage. It worked for a while. We did great. I did great. I deal with the situation quite well. Even my walls loosened a bit around him. And amazingly, I realized if I let him closer, he let me closer as well. We had even more adult conversation.
But after a while somehow I sensed Danny getting distant. It wasn't screaming at my face, just little by little. The sword has floated above our heads silently, barely recognizable but it's been there. And then bang, on Wednesday rage hit me again. We agreed to meet back at the bafe in the evening, no exact time, just in the evening. I was waiting for him all evening like a whore beside the road but he didn't show up. I had good time with the others and I didn't want to call him, making myself look desperate but around 11 I couldn't take it more. He forgot to give me a call he met Kitty and they went to his place. I swallowed my anger and said it was fine. But it wasn't fucking fine. I accepted I'm not the first, not the one. I don't act like a brat. But he crossed a line there. I ignore him for a bit, don't wanna get in a fight. Not that I didn't manage that already. I had a fallout with Leigh only because he wanted to help and asked what was wrong. But he should have known better than push, for God sake. I told him I didn't want to talk about it but he didn't leave me alone. I was a bitch with him. So if the Danny situation wouldn't be enough, I have to find a way to make it up to Leigh.
I've got no clue what's going on in that head of Danny but he'd better put his shit together. I wonder if we should just stop talking to each other in general. Maybe that would be the best...
But after a while somehow I sensed Danny getting distant. It wasn't screaming at my face, just little by little. The sword has floated above our heads silently, barely recognizable but it's been there. And then bang, on Wednesday rage hit me again. We agreed to meet back at the bafe in the evening, no exact time, just in the evening. I was waiting for him all evening like a whore beside the road but he didn't show up. I had good time with the others and I didn't want to call him, making myself look desperate but around 11 I couldn't take it more. He forgot to give me a call he met Kitty and they went to his place. I swallowed my anger and said it was fine. But it wasn't fucking fine. I accepted I'm not the first, not the one. I don't act like a brat. But he crossed a line there. I ignore him for a bit, don't wanna get in a fight. Not that I didn't manage that already. I had a fallout with Leigh only because he wanted to help and asked what was wrong. But he should have known better than push, for God sake. I told him I didn't want to talk about it but he didn't leave me alone. I was a bitch with him. So if the Danny situation wouldn't be enough, I have to find a way to make it up to Leigh.
I've got no clue what's going on in that head of Danny but he'd better put his shit together. I wonder if we should just stop talking to each other in general. Maybe that would be the best...
2011. június 15., szerda
So at least we're practical enough...
So I talked to Danny. Amazingly, we managed without any of us yelling ugly things at the other, getting distracted by the other's body, even without smartass comments. It was time to come clean. This whole thing, and the way I reacted for him and Jess stucked in my chest. I was so angry that I couldn't breath. I was angry at Danny, Jess and mostly at myself. I was pissed at myself because I knew I could have Danny if I weren't so damn tough, and also because I felt like shit for not being happy for them. Jess is awesome, and I really do mean that and Danny is important for me but the two of them together... I was jealous, I still am but it's different now.
One of Danny's greatest feature is that he knows when to leave me alone. I needed time so I wouldn't bite his throat. Yesterday I went to him. I admit, I missed him and I had such a catastrophical day I knew he would appreciate it.
The elephant was still in the room. It wasn't really awkward, I'd rather say tensed. We were laughing at my clumsiness, talked over his day and all what we normally do but it floated above us mercilessly. Then, only God knows where that came from, I said, "Okay, I guard down. Let's talk." Of course, he was totally shocked, he couldn't say a word for God knows how long, he just stared at me dumbly. But then we talked, no mind games, no walls, no half truth/half lies, just the brutal honesty from both of us. And did it feel fantastic.
Finally, we talked our thing over, cards on the table. That conversation saved our friendship. The thing is, he thinks I would end up hurt if we got together, I think the same, only the other way around, in the end we agreed we would both end up hurt. We are like wounded animals, dangerous to get close to. Danny is the exact same mess as me and if that two would collide... The result is unknown but we both know it wouldn't be pretty. We are both scared of letting the other too close, causing pain to the other, also of getting hurt again. The conslusion was that at least we know we are dangerous.
So that's it, the tale of two cowards. But this, what we have is something meaningful, something rare and we both treasure it, not worth to risk it for the illusion of something bigger, something better what might not be there behind the walls.
One of Danny's greatest feature is that he knows when to leave me alone. I needed time so I wouldn't bite his throat. Yesterday I went to him. I admit, I missed him and I had such a catastrophical day I knew he would appreciate it.
The elephant was still in the room. It wasn't really awkward, I'd rather say tensed. We were laughing at my clumsiness, talked over his day and all what we normally do but it floated above us mercilessly. Then, only God knows where that came from, I said, "Okay, I guard down. Let's talk." Of course, he was totally shocked, he couldn't say a word for God knows how long, he just stared at me dumbly. But then we talked, no mind games, no walls, no half truth/half lies, just the brutal honesty from both of us. And did it feel fantastic.
Finally, we talked our thing over, cards on the table. That conversation saved our friendship. The thing is, he thinks I would end up hurt if we got together, I think the same, only the other way around, in the end we agreed we would both end up hurt. We are like wounded animals, dangerous to get close to. Danny is the exact same mess as me and if that two would collide... The result is unknown but we both know it wouldn't be pretty. We are both scared of letting the other too close, causing pain to the other, also of getting hurt again. The conslusion was that at least we know we are dangerous.
So that's it, the tale of two cowards. But this, what we have is something meaningful, something rare and we both treasure it, not worth to risk it for the illusion of something bigger, something better what might not be there behind the walls.
2011. június 12., vasárnap
Better out alone
I didn't really have anything to write about, things kind of settled down for a while. That *while* ended at Friday night. It's my fault. And I don't deal with it very classy but don't run so forward, let's see what happened.
After our nasty fall out with Danny we both calmed down, got into a very comfy daily routine. It really was surprisingly good, just hanging together, laughing our heart out, teasing each other (within rational lines we silently agreed about), just enjoying each other's company. I should have known it was too good to last.
It's already started on Wednesday. I helped a friend of mine to plan her wedding. It was a helluva lot of work, we did it in less than 2 weeks and then BANG, her low life fiance knocked up a chick. Of course, there were countless tears and all you want in a situation like that. I was very pissed, especially because I couldn't tell the dude off, given he was in the UK. I believe this was the first nail in our coffin. It just reminded me why not to trust anybody.
Then came Friday when Kitty showed up at the bafe, crying her heart out because her boyfriend dumpt her. I knew they had problems, living in a long distance relationship is never easy. Jason (her boyfriend) moved to the US a few months ago. Lately he neglected her and whatever Kitty tried, didn't work. I would have understood his reasons for breaking things with her but not the way he did it. That was beyond cruel. Kitty sent a mail to him the other day that they should talk if he had time (they didn't talk for days by then because he always got something more important to do) and he answered something like this: "Clearly, you are not capable to live in a healthy relationship. Go back to your corner where I found you. Find another poor bastard." Now *that* just pissed me off. How dare he? Who does he think he is?
I guess I don't have to say for the time Kitty left and Danny arrived I wasn't in the brightest of moods. Then he shared the big news about how he got together with Jess and I simply lost it. I broke. It wasn't because he hurt me, *I* hurt myself. He only made it worse, letting me cry it all out, saying things I needed to hear, making me laugh, holding me all night. Again, he was there when I needed him the most. I let this go too far though, or shall I say I let him get too close to the real me. We often joke about my "walls" and how nobody sees behind them. He saw the surface once and this time I let him go even further. That was a mistake, big time.
So what does a mature, adult woman do at times like these? Hide. Yes, I'm hiding. Juvenile? Yes. Could I trust him? Yes. Do I want to? No. Am I coward? Again, yes. Do I give a damn? No. I need to put some distance between us for real this time. I don't know how he does it but I open up to him without realizing what I do and that's just bad. I'm already an emotional mess and I've got enough to deal with. I will have to get back to my "untouchable" act before things got out of hand for good. I don't wanna be a bitch with him, hurt him. Surely, I would be, my alarm set off, sirense scream in my head, !DANGEROUSLY CLOSE! I would push him to the end of his patience and I don't want that. So hiding it is until I gather myself back together and be the cold bitch everybody knows and loves.
After our nasty fall out with Danny we both calmed down, got into a very comfy daily routine. It really was surprisingly good, just hanging together, laughing our heart out, teasing each other (within rational lines we silently agreed about), just enjoying each other's company. I should have known it was too good to last.
It's already started on Wednesday. I helped a friend of mine to plan her wedding. It was a helluva lot of work, we did it in less than 2 weeks and then BANG, her low life fiance knocked up a chick. Of course, there were countless tears and all you want in a situation like that. I was very pissed, especially because I couldn't tell the dude off, given he was in the UK. I believe this was the first nail in our coffin. It just reminded me why not to trust anybody.
Then came Friday when Kitty showed up at the bafe, crying her heart out because her boyfriend dumpt her. I knew they had problems, living in a long distance relationship is never easy. Jason (her boyfriend) moved to the US a few months ago. Lately he neglected her and whatever Kitty tried, didn't work. I would have understood his reasons for breaking things with her but not the way he did it. That was beyond cruel. Kitty sent a mail to him the other day that they should talk if he had time (they didn't talk for days by then because he always got something more important to do) and he answered something like this: "Clearly, you are not capable to live in a healthy relationship. Go back to your corner where I found you. Find another poor bastard." Now *that* just pissed me off. How dare he? Who does he think he is?
I guess I don't have to say for the time Kitty left and Danny arrived I wasn't in the brightest of moods. Then he shared the big news about how he got together with Jess and I simply lost it. I broke. It wasn't because he hurt me, *I* hurt myself. He only made it worse, letting me cry it all out, saying things I needed to hear, making me laugh, holding me all night. Again, he was there when I needed him the most. I let this go too far though, or shall I say I let him get too close to the real me. We often joke about my "walls" and how nobody sees behind them. He saw the surface once and this time I let him go even further. That was a mistake, big time.
So what does a mature, adult woman do at times like these? Hide. Yes, I'm hiding. Juvenile? Yes. Could I trust him? Yes. Do I want to? No. Am I coward? Again, yes. Do I give a damn? No. I need to put some distance between us for real this time. I don't know how he does it but I open up to him without realizing what I do and that's just bad. I'm already an emotional mess and I've got enough to deal with. I will have to get back to my "untouchable" act before things got out of hand for good. I don't wanna be a bitch with him, hurt him. Surely, I would be, my alarm set off, sirense scream in my head, !DANGEROUSLY CLOSE! I would push him to the end of his patience and I don't want that. So hiding it is until I gather myself back together and be the cold bitch everybody knows and loves.
2011. május 18., szerda
Frenemies for more than 20 years
Let's talk about Kitty a bit. What a history we've got. Not to mention how incredibley old we are! We know each other since we were 3 years old! More than 20 years, people! Wow, almost unbelievable. It was a shocking realization. We found some old photos and that was when it hit. We laughed histerically. Frenemies through good and bad, kinder garten, elementary, high school and now we met again. In our case we can talk about karma. No matter how many knives we put in each others' back (and believe me, I have a whole collection of her knives, given it was her all the time who betrayed me), we just end up next to each other. Funny how she hated me ever since the first day we met when we were only rugrats and still we are kinda friends. God, how many fight we had.
We fought over !dolls! in kinder garten. There was a rivalization over a !girl! between us, we got in a cat fight, like I mentioned in a previous post. Sometimes around 5th grade, I helped her to get together with my best friend, of course, we ended up not talking to each other again. We almost made high school through as friends, at least the first part. Then she bailed on me when things seemed to get lost for me. And since then, well, we started to talk again not so long ago.
I wonder if this time it would work out, or not. The main problem was that Kitty was jealous of me. Maybe that changes now, given he's got the man, and the possibility of an awesome future and I struggle. Maybe now she's in a better position we will stop being frenemies and we will be friends.
We fought over !dolls! in kinder garten. There was a rivalization over a !girl! between us, we got in a cat fight, like I mentioned in a previous post. Sometimes around 5th grade, I helped her to get together with my best friend, of course, we ended up not talking to each other again. We almost made high school through as friends, at least the first part. Then she bailed on me when things seemed to get lost for me. And since then, well, we started to talk again not so long ago.
I wonder if this time it would work out, or not. The main problem was that Kitty was jealous of me. Maybe that changes now, given he's got the man, and the possibility of an awesome future and I struggle. Maybe now she's in a better position we will stop being frenemies and we will be friends.
2011. május 17., kedd
Shifting sand
Insert a huge sigh here. This was one crazy weekend. And yes, it was my fault, i know, i know. Like my dear friend, Anamia pointed out my life is like a bad soap opera, so why not write it as a bad story?
I decided to call Saturday a shot night. I was pondering, which one to go with tequila or whiskey and the lucky winner was the second one. A good whiskey is like a good man. It's rough and soft at the same time, makes me shiver, still burns all the way.
I went to the bafe, in hope to have some fun and let go at least a bit of my frustration. It was surprisingly quiet, especially for a Saturday night. Given no one was there who I knew, I sat to the bar.
"Quite here," I sighed, looking around again.
"Yeah, glad you came. The girls went out to party and the others, I dunno," Pete, the bartender shrugged.
"I will make a party for you," I winked at him.
"Whiskey or tequila?" He laughed, rummaging behind the bar.
"Whiskey and make it double," I grinned, remembering why I loved that place so much. It's great when you can go somewhere, where there'll be at least one familiar face for sure.
For about 10pm my mood got better, thanks for the shots and Pete. I was laughing so hard at one of his terrible jokes even my tears rolled out. That's when Danny arrived. I wasn't counting on him that night but was glad he came, even if yesterday I wanted to beat him up.
"Dannyyyy!!!" I screamed, jumping on him. Obviously, alcohol worked in my system.
"Hey chicka," he laughed, catching me. "Whiskey?"
"How did you know?" I laughed, too as he put me back on my feet. "Hey, sorry about being a bitch yesterday."
"I'm used to it," he shrugged with a smirk as we walked to our usual seats.
"Shut up, jerk," I smacked him on the shoulder.
"So guards low?" He glanced at me, sitting down.
"Yup," I nodded, side stepping a chair.
"Perfect, makes it easier," he grinned, pulling me on to his lap.
"Not that low, Mister," I rolled my eyes, starting to stand up.
"How about if I tell you I broke up with Kimi?" He grabbed my wrist and pulled me back.
"That might change things," I answered, my mouth curling up. I knew whatever would happen next, wouldn't do any good but I didn't give a shit about it in that moment. There's no reason to deny, I felt incredebly good where I was.
"Thought so," he smirked, resting his hands on my waist.
"Or not," I smirked, stood up and walked away.
I actually only went to the storage because Pete asked for cocktail cherries but it was a great opportunity for some teasing and I wasn't in a mood to miss it. Of course, Danny was game and followed me back.
"What are we looking for?" He asked as i opened the door.
"Ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb," I grinned, pointing at one of the shelf.
"I'm glad you are in a better mood, like more your smartass side than the depressed one," he hugged me. Fuel and cinnamon... And boy, did I miss those strongs arms around me...
"I believe we have an agreement there," I said, hugging back.
I wouldn't go into deep details about how I ended up pinned in between a shelf and Danny's body, be enough that I did. My mind was clouded, but my reasonable part screamed so loud I couldn't ignore it for long.
"Stop," I pushed on Danny's chest a bit, in attempt to move him further.
He took a step back, looking at me and did I hate that look...
"How I knew you would do this," he groaned, starting to pace.
"Do what?" I asked him, irritated.
"Back out," he snorted and I wanted to kick him.
"Back out?" I raised my voice, crossing my arms over my chest. "Of what? Fucking in the storage? Sorry, Danny boy, you should know better than that."
"Oh, yeah, because it would be different if we weren't here, right? Like the where would change anything," he glared at me, raising his voice as well.
"Clearly, it wouldn't change how reliable you are," I snapped.
"There you go," he laughed without humor. "Guard up, Sandy. Bring on your infamous offensive defense tactic."
Offensive defense?! And Sandy? He really did want to piss me off.
"Because I'm not right, hm? Think about it a bit, Jess, Lindsay and only God knows who else and of course, don't forget about sweet little Kimi."
"Why the hell do you think I got together with Kimi?!" He yelled at me.
"Because she's cute like a puppy and easy to..."
"Because I started to fall for you!" He cut me in midsentence, pushing me off balance.
He did not say that. I didn't want that. I didn't want to get in a mess. It was all perfect, he didn't want anything serious and nor did I. We just messed around.
"I'm going home," I stated, starting out.
"That's it, Sandy, run, you're great in that," he called after me.
"Obviously, not as great as you are," I glared back at him.
I grabbed my jacket, waved to Pete and rushed out. It was good to be outside, the chilly air cleared my mind a bit. How is that I always end up in such dramas? I was walking slowly when I realized I was followed.
"What are you doing?" I sighed, not even looking back, I knew it was Danny.
"You didn't think I would let you be on the streets alone after dark, did you?"
That's how we ended up, walking side by side in complete silence. The funny thing is, it wasn't uncomfortable, or awkward. Maybe that's the way we are, just fight it out and then everything would be fine.
"We suck," Danny sighed as we turned to our street.
"Yeah, actually, you suck, I'm awesome," I laughed at him.
"You are," he pulled me to his body, patting a kiss on the top of my head.
"Back in black?" I glanced up at him, stopping in front of our house.
"Back in black," he nodded, hugging me tightly.
"Good, I don't wanna lose you," I murmured, hugging back.
Things since then are quite calm, we are doing good. Okay, we minimized the touches and all that but it's better this way. Neither of us want to get into this deep, so we just keep it simple.
I decided to call Saturday a shot night. I was pondering, which one to go with tequila or whiskey and the lucky winner was the second one. A good whiskey is like a good man. It's rough and soft at the same time, makes me shiver, still burns all the way.
I went to the bafe, in hope to have some fun and let go at least a bit of my frustration. It was surprisingly quiet, especially for a Saturday night. Given no one was there who I knew, I sat to the bar.
"Quite here," I sighed, looking around again.
"Yeah, glad you came. The girls went out to party and the others, I dunno," Pete, the bartender shrugged.
"I will make a party for you," I winked at him.
"Whiskey or tequila?" He laughed, rummaging behind the bar.
"Whiskey and make it double," I grinned, remembering why I loved that place so much. It's great when you can go somewhere, where there'll be at least one familiar face for sure.
For about 10pm my mood got better, thanks for the shots and Pete. I was laughing so hard at one of his terrible jokes even my tears rolled out. That's when Danny arrived. I wasn't counting on him that night but was glad he came, even if yesterday I wanted to beat him up.
"Dannyyyy!!!" I screamed, jumping on him. Obviously, alcohol worked in my system.
"Hey chicka," he laughed, catching me. "Whiskey?"
"How did you know?" I laughed, too as he put me back on my feet. "Hey, sorry about being a bitch yesterday."
"I'm used to it," he shrugged with a smirk as we walked to our usual seats.
"Shut up, jerk," I smacked him on the shoulder.
"So guards low?" He glanced at me, sitting down.
"Yup," I nodded, side stepping a chair.
"Perfect, makes it easier," he grinned, pulling me on to his lap.
"Not that low, Mister," I rolled my eyes, starting to stand up.
"How about if I tell you I broke up with Kimi?" He grabbed my wrist and pulled me back.
"That might change things," I answered, my mouth curling up. I knew whatever would happen next, wouldn't do any good but I didn't give a shit about it in that moment. There's no reason to deny, I felt incredebly good where I was.
"Thought so," he smirked, resting his hands on my waist.
"Or not," I smirked, stood up and walked away.
I actually only went to the storage because Pete asked for cocktail cherries but it was a great opportunity for some teasing and I wasn't in a mood to miss it. Of course, Danny was game and followed me back.
"What are we looking for?" He asked as i opened the door.
"Ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb," I grinned, pointing at one of the shelf.
"I'm glad you are in a better mood, like more your smartass side than the depressed one," he hugged me. Fuel and cinnamon... And boy, did I miss those strongs arms around me...
"I believe we have an agreement there," I said, hugging back.
I wouldn't go into deep details about how I ended up pinned in between a shelf and Danny's body, be enough that I did. My mind was clouded, but my reasonable part screamed so loud I couldn't ignore it for long.
"Stop," I pushed on Danny's chest a bit, in attempt to move him further.
He took a step back, looking at me and did I hate that look...
"How I knew you would do this," he groaned, starting to pace.
"Do what?" I asked him, irritated.
"Back out," he snorted and I wanted to kick him.
"Back out?" I raised my voice, crossing my arms over my chest. "Of what? Fucking in the storage? Sorry, Danny boy, you should know better than that."
"Oh, yeah, because it would be different if we weren't here, right? Like the where would change anything," he glared at me, raising his voice as well.
"Clearly, it wouldn't change how reliable you are," I snapped.
"There you go," he laughed without humor. "Guard up, Sandy. Bring on your infamous offensive defense tactic."
Offensive defense?! And Sandy? He really did want to piss me off.
"Because I'm not right, hm? Think about it a bit, Jess, Lindsay and only God knows who else and of course, don't forget about sweet little Kimi."
"Why the hell do you think I got together with Kimi?!" He yelled at me.
"Because she's cute like a puppy and easy to..."
"Because I started to fall for you!" He cut me in midsentence, pushing me off balance.
He did not say that. I didn't want that. I didn't want to get in a mess. It was all perfect, he didn't want anything serious and nor did I. We just messed around.
"I'm going home," I stated, starting out.
"That's it, Sandy, run, you're great in that," he called after me.
"Obviously, not as great as you are," I glared back at him.
I grabbed my jacket, waved to Pete and rushed out. It was good to be outside, the chilly air cleared my mind a bit. How is that I always end up in such dramas? I was walking slowly when I realized I was followed.
"What are you doing?" I sighed, not even looking back, I knew it was Danny.
"You didn't think I would let you be on the streets alone after dark, did you?"
That's how we ended up, walking side by side in complete silence. The funny thing is, it wasn't uncomfortable, or awkward. Maybe that's the way we are, just fight it out and then everything would be fine.
"We suck," Danny sighed as we turned to our street.
"Yeah, actually, you suck, I'm awesome," I laughed at him.
"You are," he pulled me to his body, patting a kiss on the top of my head.
"Back in black?" I glanced up at him, stopping in front of our house.
"Back in black," he nodded, hugging me tightly.
"Good, I don't wanna lose you," I murmured, hugging back.
Things since then are quite calm, we are doing good. Okay, we minimized the touches and all that but it's better this way. Neither of us want to get into this deep, so we just keep it simple.
2011. május 14., szombat
Fucking perfect
Yes, dark mood again. The bank breathing down on my neck, not to mention the other bills, Dad does pretty much nothing to get money from somewhere, still no job and no scholarship.
I think I forgot to write about the scholarship. It would have been in a media school where I was on a job interview. The director really liked me (no clue what he saw in me, never wanted to be an actress, never thought I'd be talented in that). The school gives scholarships for the bests but not full scholarship. I told them I couldn't give them a single forint and the director guy said he would fight for me to get a full one. But the school is in deep shit (because they were too generous) and said they had to accept somebody who could pay.
There's the job at the radio. I can't plan on it, even if it's supposed to be 100%. I always say it's sure when I get it. So job at a radio from September, I hope it's true. Though, still gotta find something 'til then.
About the Danny situation. It became extremely emberassing because Kimi just likes me too much. Not that I've got a problem with her but for one, it's a bit awkward because of Danny, and for two, I'm not in the friendliest mood lately and she irritates me with her bubbly sweetness. I try to minimize the conversation between us but she's like glue. She gives me a headache. Danny acts the way he's supposed to act, aka he's a jerk. We barely talk to each other. I try to avoid him and he does the same. He preoccupies himself with Jess (yes, still flirting shamelessly). Kimi doesn't seem to mind. I believe because even if they are together for some unknown reason, they'd rather like big bro' and little sis'.
Actually, we not only don't talk to each other. Yesterday we almost started to fight. We are like a ticking bomb. I was sitting there alone (wasn't in the mood for people) when Paul asked me to sit with him because it wasn't okay for me to pout alone there. I said I wasn't the best company and Danny said something like this: "Sush you woman, you are the best company one can ever get." And I snapped at him, "yeah, because I'm fucking perfect." The tention could have been cut but then Kimi arrived and started to ramble about some freakin' movie, so thanks for her we didn't bite each other's throat.
Anyway, I'll call tonight a shot night, will decide later if tequila or whiskey. Be bad y'all.
I think I forgot to write about the scholarship. It would have been in a media school where I was on a job interview. The director really liked me (no clue what he saw in me, never wanted to be an actress, never thought I'd be talented in that). The school gives scholarships for the bests but not full scholarship. I told them I couldn't give them a single forint and the director guy said he would fight for me to get a full one. But the school is in deep shit (because they were too generous) and said they had to accept somebody who could pay.
There's the job at the radio. I can't plan on it, even if it's supposed to be 100%. I always say it's sure when I get it. So job at a radio from September, I hope it's true. Though, still gotta find something 'til then.
About the Danny situation. It became extremely emberassing because Kimi just likes me too much. Not that I've got a problem with her but for one, it's a bit awkward because of Danny, and for two, I'm not in the friendliest mood lately and she irritates me with her bubbly sweetness. I try to minimize the conversation between us but she's like glue. She gives me a headache. Danny acts the way he's supposed to act, aka he's a jerk. We barely talk to each other. I try to avoid him and he does the same. He preoccupies himself with Jess (yes, still flirting shamelessly). Kimi doesn't seem to mind. I believe because even if they are together for some unknown reason, they'd rather like big bro' and little sis'.
Actually, we not only don't talk to each other. Yesterday we almost started to fight. We are like a ticking bomb. I was sitting there alone (wasn't in the mood for people) when Paul asked me to sit with him because it wasn't okay for me to pout alone there. I said I wasn't the best company and Danny said something like this: "Sush you woman, you are the best company one can ever get." And I snapped at him, "yeah, because I'm fucking perfect." The tention could have been cut but then Kimi arrived and started to ramble about some freakin' movie, so thanks for her we didn't bite each other's throat.
Anyway, I'll call tonight a shot night, will decide later if tequila or whiskey. Be bad y'all.
2011. május 11., szerda
Miley and pink are soooo cool
Wow, I got such a dejavu... Dejavu is bad, we all know that since Matrix. Fail in the system and it isn't any different this time either.
Let's start with the funny part. So Kimi... Oh, sweet Lord, I'm truly interested for how long those two will stay together. I was talking to Leigh (another friend) when I heard Kimi saying having a baby grossed her out. Something grew in her and how disgusting that was. I looked at Danny who sat there, staring at her with wide eyes and almost laughed out loud. That face was priceless, should have made a photo. Then we talked about the radio I might get a job at from September. I said it was totally awesome and all, except for the music because they played club music (dance, trance etc.) And what did Kimi say? What's wrong with that? She loved it, rather that than rock. It was hilarious, knowing Danny is as much as a rock fan as me. He asked if she truly meant that and she was like yeah, i love Miley, too. Oh my God, I had to go to the bathroom, I started to laugh so hard. Before I forget, little Kimi's fave color is... PINK!!! Seriously, I might be evil but it's hysterical to watch Danny's face when these infos hit him.
Now to the dejavu part. Kimi's got a big sister who thinks she owns the place. I can't stand Cassie from the very first moment we met. Anyway she came to the bafe (yes, it's a bafe, cafe daytime, bar at night), went straight to Danny, asking how Kimi was. Danny shrugged, saying he sent her a text in the morning, and got no answer. (I would like to mention here that he called me at least once in every 2 hours after my melt down for a whole week, just to make sure I was okay.) Cassie growled something at him and started out, crashing into ME! I wasn't about to let it go but didn't want to make a public scene, so I went after her outside and asked if she got a problem. Turned out she's pissed at me because Danny rambles about me 24/7. Pff, I was like how the fuck is that my fault?! I told her I didn't want anything from him and she could ask anybody, I didn't touch a hair on him ever since he told me the big news. She didn't seem to be convinsed, said something about how she didn't want her sister to get hurt because she knew everybody thought we belonged together with Danny, even Kimi did. I told her again, she got no reason to be worried, at least not about me. This whole stuff reminded me of my ex and me, and urgh, reminded me why i don't wanna do this.
Let's start with the funny part. So Kimi... Oh, sweet Lord, I'm truly interested for how long those two will stay together. I was talking to Leigh (another friend) when I heard Kimi saying having a baby grossed her out. Something grew in her and how disgusting that was. I looked at Danny who sat there, staring at her with wide eyes and almost laughed out loud. That face was priceless, should have made a photo. Then we talked about the radio I might get a job at from September. I said it was totally awesome and all, except for the music because they played club music (dance, trance etc.) And what did Kimi say? What's wrong with that? She loved it, rather that than rock. It was hilarious, knowing Danny is as much as a rock fan as me. He asked if she truly meant that and she was like yeah, i love Miley, too. Oh my God, I had to go to the bathroom, I started to laugh so hard. Before I forget, little Kimi's fave color is... PINK!!! Seriously, I might be evil but it's hysterical to watch Danny's face when these infos hit him.
Now to the dejavu part. Kimi's got a big sister who thinks she owns the place. I can't stand Cassie from the very first moment we met. Anyway she came to the bafe (yes, it's a bafe, cafe daytime, bar at night), went straight to Danny, asking how Kimi was. Danny shrugged, saying he sent her a text in the morning, and got no answer. (I would like to mention here that he called me at least once in every 2 hours after my melt down for a whole week, just to make sure I was okay.) Cassie growled something at him and started out, crashing into ME! I wasn't about to let it go but didn't want to make a public scene, so I went after her outside and asked if she got a problem. Turned out she's pissed at me because Danny rambles about me 24/7. Pff, I was like how the fuck is that my fault?! I told her I didn't want anything from him and she could ask anybody, I didn't touch a hair on him ever since he told me the big news. She didn't seem to be convinsed, said something about how she didn't want her sister to get hurt because she knew everybody thought we belonged together with Danny, even Kimi did. I told her again, she got no reason to be worried, at least not about me. This whole stuff reminded me of my ex and me, and urgh, reminded me why i don't wanna do this.
2011. május 6., péntek
Not again...
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ! Why? And again I ask why??? Why do I have this god damn savior complex? Seriously, I swear I was wired in the wrong way. And why do I keep finding messed up men?
Let's get to the point. I've got a feeling Danny boy isn't so happy with little Kimi. I thought about it before because he didn't seem to be happy at all, rather frustrated but I shrugged it off, thinking it was only because of the "keep it low" part but I'm not so sure anymore.
I kept 3 steps distance all evening what wasn't pleasant at all but what's gotta be done is gotta be done. Danny tried to get closer but I preoccupied myself with the others. Of course, I talked to him a few words when he joined the conversation, it would have been weird if I hadn't, especially that he jumped on each and every oppurtunity to talk to me. When I realized Kitty was watching us suspiciously, I remembered I didn't even ask how he was, so I did. And what the answer was? He would let me know when he figured. Instead of grabbing him to a corner and pulling out of him what was wrong, I laughed, saying sounds like a plan. At least I'm improving. I'm trying hard not to get in a fight for a man's well being again. I need someone who fights for me and not the other way around.
But it's damn hard when he's sitting across me, all sad and everything. Then there's his big plan for the weekend, pff. Another sign that something is off. He's going to "intoxicate" himself (his words) with a friend. It would be normal for anybody else, but I happen to know he didn't get drunk since his engagement ended. I mentioned he said he wasn't about to drink at least until next year but he just shrugged, saying change of plans. Yeah, I could tell that.
Then he got in a fight. Some dude picked up on us and Danny lost it. The bouncers came before things could truly got out of hand. However, this was enough for me to be sure something is wrong. Danny stormed out, saying he got enough drama in the last few days, and didn't wanna get in more trouble.
Of course, I was the only one who knew what he meant, at least suspected. I wonder why in hell he got together with Kimi. Last time we talked about it, he didn't want anything serious. Then I figured, at least I think so. I'm not the only one with the savior complex. I've got a feeling Danny boy only got together with Kimi because he felt sorry for her. She looked so lost. She's the kind of girl who can't deal with the world alone, need someone to be there for her. I happen to know Danny's a good guy even if he hides it quite well. Underneath all the cockiness and sarcasm there's a caring, sensitive man who's got a sore point for girls like Kimi. I guess he only wanted to help her and he found himself in a relationship. As his friend I could say something, find a way to help him out from this mess he made. However, he didn't ask for my help and I learnt in the hard way not to get involved unless I'm asked. I might be worried about him but not so much to go down that road again. I will just sit there and wait how things turn out, help as much as I can without sinking too deep.
Let's get to the point. I've got a feeling Danny boy isn't so happy with little Kimi. I thought about it before because he didn't seem to be happy at all, rather frustrated but I shrugged it off, thinking it was only because of the "keep it low" part but I'm not so sure anymore.
I kept 3 steps distance all evening what wasn't pleasant at all but what's gotta be done is gotta be done. Danny tried to get closer but I preoccupied myself with the others. Of course, I talked to him a few words when he joined the conversation, it would have been weird if I hadn't, especially that he jumped on each and every oppurtunity to talk to me. When I realized Kitty was watching us suspiciously, I remembered I didn't even ask how he was, so I did. And what the answer was? He would let me know when he figured. Instead of grabbing him to a corner and pulling out of him what was wrong, I laughed, saying sounds like a plan. At least I'm improving. I'm trying hard not to get in a fight for a man's well being again. I need someone who fights for me and not the other way around.
But it's damn hard when he's sitting across me, all sad and everything. Then there's his big plan for the weekend, pff. Another sign that something is off. He's going to "intoxicate" himself (his words) with a friend. It would be normal for anybody else, but I happen to know he didn't get drunk since his engagement ended. I mentioned he said he wasn't about to drink at least until next year but he just shrugged, saying change of plans. Yeah, I could tell that.
Then he got in a fight. Some dude picked up on us and Danny lost it. The bouncers came before things could truly got out of hand. However, this was enough for me to be sure something is wrong. Danny stormed out, saying he got enough drama in the last few days, and didn't wanna get in more trouble.
Of course, I was the only one who knew what he meant, at least suspected. I wonder why in hell he got together with Kimi. Last time we talked about it, he didn't want anything serious. Then I figured, at least I think so. I'm not the only one with the savior complex. I've got a feeling Danny boy only got together with Kimi because he felt sorry for her. She looked so lost. She's the kind of girl who can't deal with the world alone, need someone to be there for her. I happen to know Danny's a good guy even if he hides it quite well. Underneath all the cockiness and sarcasm there's a caring, sensitive man who's got a sore point for girls like Kimi. I guess he only wanted to help her and he found himself in a relationship. As his friend I could say something, find a way to help him out from this mess he made. However, he didn't ask for my help and I learnt in the hard way not to get involved unless I'm asked. I might be worried about him but not so much to go down that road again. I will just sit there and wait how things turn out, help as much as I can without sinking too deep.
Isn't she all for women?!
Last night's thing was so fucking funny, I decided to write it like a story, it worth it, believe me.
I was cuddled up on Danny's lap as always. I sensed something was off with him but I didn't ask, I knew he would share if he wanted to. Plus, he acted weird for a few days - he hugged me too much, even if we always touched each other someway, he wasn't the hugging for nothing type - and when I asked if he wanted to talk about it, he answered not yet. So I decided to just leave it and given that I was quite bored I thought the best way to change that was to annoy him.
He's insanely ticklish, what I use against him often. In attempt to chase my boredom away, I tickled him. The only reaction I got was a sigh and my hands being pulled back. He was no game, what was again strange. The devil in me couldn't let it pass. I wanted to push, wanted to know what the hell was going on with him and I was restless. Since he still held my hands in a tight grip, I bit him.
"You just can't stand me being calm, can you?" He laughed at me finally, letting go of my wrists.
"You are no fun when you are calm," I laughed as well, snuggling on his lap.
"I've got something to tell you," he looked at me seriously.
There we go, I thought as we walked to a quiet little corner. He got together with Jess. It was okay, Jess was a cool girl, I was cool with her. No surprise, they flirted shamelessly. I was ready for this conversation, even waited to get over with this awkward part.
"Shoot," I smiled at him reassuringly, thinking he couldn't surprise me.
"I don't want you to think that I wanted to hide it from you, or that I don't trust you, so it's better if I tell you that Kimi and me, we are dating."
Did I say he couldn't surprise me? The hell, he couldn't. I gasped, my mouth hanging open, standing there like a moron. Kimi? Kimi?!
"Isn't she all for women?"
I wanted to hit him, badly, very, very badly, just punch him on the face. I was so screwed it was joyful to watch. But damn it, Kimi was... Kimi was lesbian, last time I heard. Not to mention her long time girlfriend - they were together for years - died only a few weeks ago. No wonder Danny was one of those guys no woman could say no to (looking like Taylor Kitch should be illegal, also tattoos on a body like that, not to mention a 125cc motorbike) but turning a lesbian... He must be a magician.
"Not that it matters," I laughed, correcting my comment in a blink of a time. "I'm so happy for you two, Kimi is such a sweetheart. And I will behave from now on."
And I even meant that. Kimi was a sweetheart, a little cutie, like a lost puppy, so vulnerable. No wonder why Danny liked her. Also, no wonder why I couldn't hate on her.
"I'd have felt bad if I haven't told you. I'm so happy, you are happy for us," he hugged me so tight I thought he would suffocate me.
I hugged back somehow awkwardly, closing my eyes, inhaling his unique cent. He always smelled like fuel and cinnamon, and man, pure man, gotta tell you, he was intoxicating.
"Of course I'm happy for you, silly. Kimi is such a sweet little thing, she will be good for your aching soul, just like you'll be good for hers."
Pff, it was hard not to say how ridicoulus the whole thing was and that even if I did like Kimi I thought it was interesting that she was already done with mourning. But it wasn't my place, didn't want to look jealous or anything.
"Yeah, we want to keep it low though, for obvious reasons. That's why I didn't tell you before," he explained and I almost said, yeah, probably everyone would wonder what the hell she did but again, I stayed silent.
"Understandable," I nodded, smiling. "Your secret is safe with me. I will keep my mouth shut."
There came the silence. I hated every moment of it, especially because Danny watched me like he could see right through me. It irritated me. I wanted to say something, anything but got no clue what would break the awkward moment.
"You know I'm still here for you, don't you?" He reached for my hand, looking at me with those puppy dog eyes.
This would be harder than I thought... We touched way too much until now, there was always a skin-skin connection when we were together. It just happened this way, that must end.
"Hey, no worries," I laughed at him. "We are friends and just because you are with Kimi, you still will be there for me, nothing changes."
Liar, I thought to myself. Everything changed. No more cuddling, no more teasing, nailing, biting, no more skin to skin fun.
"And if I get a man, I will still be there for you."
"Talking of which," he said casually and I raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continoue. "Any plans for that?"
Jealous? Seriously? I almost said "Fuck you" but then thought better of it. I'd been called badass a lot not without a reason. I kept my walls high up and it wouldn't change. I couldn't lose my cool. "Yeah, sounds something like this: Get a man finally, for God' sake," I laughed, leaning against the wall.
"He will be one lucky bastard. You've got plenty to offer for someone who's got enough energy to fight for it and fight you," he laughed as well, watching me intensly.
"Don't know what you mean. I'm easy to be with, peaceful," I smirked.
"Indeed, peaceful," he chuckled, pulling me to his body.
"I knew you would agree," I grinned as we walked back to the others, wondering for how long we could keep up this facade.
PS.: I had a day to think it over and I came to the conclusion to just shrug it off. I like Danny too much to let this interlude ruining our friendship. I can see why he wants to be with Kimi. He needs somebody easy to be with, someone sweet, someone who isn't trouble with capital and that's Kimi, she's a doll. And about his jealousy... He's a man, an alphamale, I got used to this a long time ago. He will learn to deal with my significant other when the time comes.
I was cuddled up on Danny's lap as always. I sensed something was off with him but I didn't ask, I knew he would share if he wanted to. Plus, he acted weird for a few days - he hugged me too much, even if we always touched each other someway, he wasn't the hugging for nothing type - and when I asked if he wanted to talk about it, he answered not yet. So I decided to just leave it and given that I was quite bored I thought the best way to change that was to annoy him.
He's insanely ticklish, what I use against him often. In attempt to chase my boredom away, I tickled him. The only reaction I got was a sigh and my hands being pulled back. He was no game, what was again strange. The devil in me couldn't let it pass. I wanted to push, wanted to know what the hell was going on with him and I was restless. Since he still held my hands in a tight grip, I bit him.
"You just can't stand me being calm, can you?" He laughed at me finally, letting go of my wrists.
"You are no fun when you are calm," I laughed as well, snuggling on his lap.
"I've got something to tell you," he looked at me seriously.
There we go, I thought as we walked to a quiet little corner. He got together with Jess. It was okay, Jess was a cool girl, I was cool with her. No surprise, they flirted shamelessly. I was ready for this conversation, even waited to get over with this awkward part.
"Shoot," I smiled at him reassuringly, thinking he couldn't surprise me.
"I don't want you to think that I wanted to hide it from you, or that I don't trust you, so it's better if I tell you that Kimi and me, we are dating."
Did I say he couldn't surprise me? The hell, he couldn't. I gasped, my mouth hanging open, standing there like a moron. Kimi? Kimi?!
"Isn't she all for women?"
I wanted to hit him, badly, very, very badly, just punch him on the face. I was so screwed it was joyful to watch. But damn it, Kimi was... Kimi was lesbian, last time I heard. Not to mention her long time girlfriend - they were together for years - died only a few weeks ago. No wonder Danny was one of those guys no woman could say no to (looking like Taylor Kitch should be illegal, also tattoos on a body like that, not to mention a 125cc motorbike) but turning a lesbian... He must be a magician.
"Not that it matters," I laughed, correcting my comment in a blink of a time. "I'm so happy for you two, Kimi is such a sweetheart. And I will behave from now on."
And I even meant that. Kimi was a sweetheart, a little cutie, like a lost puppy, so vulnerable. No wonder why Danny liked her. Also, no wonder why I couldn't hate on her.
"I'd have felt bad if I haven't told you. I'm so happy, you are happy for us," he hugged me so tight I thought he would suffocate me.
I hugged back somehow awkwardly, closing my eyes, inhaling his unique cent. He always smelled like fuel and cinnamon, and man, pure man, gotta tell you, he was intoxicating.
"Of course I'm happy for you, silly. Kimi is such a sweet little thing, she will be good for your aching soul, just like you'll be good for hers."
Pff, it was hard not to say how ridicoulus the whole thing was and that even if I did like Kimi I thought it was interesting that she was already done with mourning. But it wasn't my place, didn't want to look jealous or anything.
"Yeah, we want to keep it low though, for obvious reasons. That's why I didn't tell you before," he explained and I almost said, yeah, probably everyone would wonder what the hell she did but again, I stayed silent.
"Understandable," I nodded, smiling. "Your secret is safe with me. I will keep my mouth shut."
There came the silence. I hated every moment of it, especially because Danny watched me like he could see right through me. It irritated me. I wanted to say something, anything but got no clue what would break the awkward moment.
"You know I'm still here for you, don't you?" He reached for my hand, looking at me with those puppy dog eyes.
This would be harder than I thought... We touched way too much until now, there was always a skin-skin connection when we were together. It just happened this way, that must end.
"Hey, no worries," I laughed at him. "We are friends and just because you are with Kimi, you still will be there for me, nothing changes."
Liar, I thought to myself. Everything changed. No more cuddling, no more teasing, nailing, biting, no more skin to skin fun.
"And if I get a man, I will still be there for you."
"Talking of which," he said casually and I raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continoue. "Any plans for that?"
Jealous? Seriously? I almost said "Fuck you" but then thought better of it. I'd been called badass a lot not without a reason. I kept my walls high up and it wouldn't change. I couldn't lose my cool. "Yeah, sounds something like this: Get a man finally, for God' sake," I laughed, leaning against the wall.
"He will be one lucky bastard. You've got plenty to offer for someone who's got enough energy to fight for it and fight you," he laughed as well, watching me intensly.
"Don't know what you mean. I'm easy to be with, peaceful," I smirked.
"Indeed, peaceful," he chuckled, pulling me to his body.
"I knew you would agree," I grinned as we walked back to the others, wondering for how long we could keep up this facade.
PS.: I had a day to think it over and I came to the conclusion to just shrug it off. I like Danny too much to let this interlude ruining our friendship. I can see why he wants to be with Kimi. He needs somebody easy to be with, someone sweet, someone who isn't trouble with capital and that's Kimi, she's a doll. And about his jealousy... He's a man, an alphamale, I got used to this a long time ago. He will learn to deal with my significant other when the time comes.
2011. május 5., csütörtök
Shocked out of my... socks
Guess what? Danny's got a girlfriend! Yes, a girlfriend, not just a one night thing, nooo. And I could be the lucky one who get to know it first. Hurray! I know I'm acting like a brat but, damn if it doesn't piss me off. It only makes it worse that the girl is such a cutie, a sweet little thing, so vulnerable, urgh. I can't even hate her!
I was totally and absoulutely shocked. I mean, I knew he flirted shamelessly with Jess and wouldn't have been surprised if they got a thing but Kimi... Kimi lost her girlfriend (yes, people her girlfriend) only a few weeks ago. What kind of person starts a new relationship after a few weeks of their loves death? Oh, yeah, the sweet little one's who can't face the ugly world alone.
Everything was normal. I was snuggled up on Danny's lap, playing, teasing each other as usual when he said we needed to talk. I thought, there we go, he got together with Jess. I was prepared for that with my "oh, she's cool, I'm happy for you" speech but when he said Kimi's name I forgot my happy speech. I stared at him with wide eyes, saying "wasn't she all for women?" Yes, that was rude, and obviously not the way a friend should react but well, that's the truth. Of course, I got myself together in a blink of a time and came up with my oh-so-happy-for-you speech but well, it was awkward. There was hugging and everything. And of course, this is top secret because what would the others think. (You know, her girlfriend died only a few weeks ago!!!) And yeah, we are still friends and all and he doesn't want me to feel like he abandons me, yada yada. Sure, nothing changes, just everything. No teasing, no cuddling, no heated fights... It will be like walking on broken glass, damn it. Did I mention that she's sweet??? Alright, I will take a deep breath and just watch every move I make and I will root for them, I will, really. Danny is a great guy and I understand he wants somebody easy to be with and Kimi is probably the girl who he needs. So I'll be just happy for them.
I was totally and absoulutely shocked. I mean, I knew he flirted shamelessly with Jess and wouldn't have been surprised if they got a thing but Kimi... Kimi lost her girlfriend (yes, people her girlfriend) only a few weeks ago. What kind of person starts a new relationship after a few weeks of their loves death? Oh, yeah, the sweet little one's who can't face the ugly world alone.
Everything was normal. I was snuggled up on Danny's lap, playing, teasing each other as usual when he said we needed to talk. I thought, there we go, he got together with Jess. I was prepared for that with my "oh, she's cool, I'm happy for you" speech but when he said Kimi's name I forgot my happy speech. I stared at him with wide eyes, saying "wasn't she all for women?" Yes, that was rude, and obviously not the way a friend should react but well, that's the truth. Of course, I got myself together in a blink of a time and came up with my oh-so-happy-for-you speech but well, it was awkward. There was hugging and everything. And of course, this is top secret because what would the others think. (You know, her girlfriend died only a few weeks ago!!!) And yeah, we are still friends and all and he doesn't want me to feel like he abandons me, yada yada. Sure, nothing changes, just everything. No teasing, no cuddling, no heated fights... It will be like walking on broken glass, damn it. Did I mention that she's sweet??? Alright, I will take a deep breath and just watch every move I make and I will root for them, I will, really. Danny is a great guy and I understand he wants somebody easy to be with and Kimi is probably the girl who he needs. So I'll be just happy for them.
2011. április 23., szombat
Catching up
I neglected this again but so much stuff going around it's hard to follow even myself. Last week and this week was crazy, as in a totally and absoulutely way. Let's start with last week.
I quit my job and no I didn't hurt my boss, we seperated as friends. I quit because they couldn't pay and I can't afford that. I mean just because the office got 2 hard months that shouldn't cause such a thing. Not to mention we would have gone to Italy next month and I got a feeling we wouldn't have gotten money because of that again.
This sudden change caused some problems, such as I got a really nasty melt down at Tuesday. I almost did something extremely stupid but somebody saved me. I had to talk to somebody and went to one of my friends, Kitty because I knew she would understand and she did. God bless her, she ordered me to talk to another friend of us. So this guy, Danny... Well, we met not so long ago and get along perfectly from the very first moment. I couldn't be more grateful for him. He talked and talked, reasoned, pleaded, even begged to stop me. He needed a whole night but he managed to convinse me not to do such a stupid stuff.
Talking of which... Damn man, I'd better be careful, or I will fall for him and he's trouble with capital. Such a smooth talker, and caring, and confident, sarcastic, smart and all those tattoos... Our friends are having fun watching us because we are like the cat and the dog. There's undeniable chemistry and fire between the two of us. I really do have to fight not to go further, especially after one of our little argument ended up with me against the wall... How fortunate Kitty stepped in the room at the perfect moment, only God knows what would have happened otherwise. (well, okay, everybody knows what would have happened) I can't go down that road. I know he doesn't want anything now. No wonder after two engagements he isn't in the mood for anything serious. And that's okay, two adults enjoying each other's company, just having fun. I only have to remember the fun part is the keyword.
And the most important. *DRUMS* My Dad got out!!!!! I almost dropped the cell when his lawyer called and said it was time to celebrate. I couldn't believe, I went totally crazy. I'm so happy he's out. And of course now his friends are all like "I wanted to help but didn't know how", yada, yada and my Dad falls for them. Whatever, I don't give a damn. If he wants to believe them, then do so, it's his life not mine.
I guess that's all for now. Be bad, y'all.
I quit my job and no I didn't hurt my boss, we seperated as friends. I quit because they couldn't pay and I can't afford that. I mean just because the office got 2 hard months that shouldn't cause such a thing. Not to mention we would have gone to Italy next month and I got a feeling we wouldn't have gotten money because of that again.
This sudden change caused some problems, such as I got a really nasty melt down at Tuesday. I almost did something extremely stupid but somebody saved me. I had to talk to somebody and went to one of my friends, Kitty because I knew she would understand and she did. God bless her, she ordered me to talk to another friend of us. So this guy, Danny... Well, we met not so long ago and get along perfectly from the very first moment. I couldn't be more grateful for him. He talked and talked, reasoned, pleaded, even begged to stop me. He needed a whole night but he managed to convinse me not to do such a stupid stuff.
Talking of which... Damn man, I'd better be careful, or I will fall for him and he's trouble with capital. Such a smooth talker, and caring, and confident, sarcastic, smart and all those tattoos... Our friends are having fun watching us because we are like the cat and the dog. There's undeniable chemistry and fire between the two of us. I really do have to fight not to go further, especially after one of our little argument ended up with me against the wall... How fortunate Kitty stepped in the room at the perfect moment, only God knows what would have happened otherwise. (well, okay, everybody knows what would have happened) I can't go down that road. I know he doesn't want anything now. No wonder after two engagements he isn't in the mood for anything serious. And that's okay, two adults enjoying each other's company, just having fun. I only have to remember the fun part is the keyword.
And the most important. *DRUMS* My Dad got out!!!!! I almost dropped the cell when his lawyer called and said it was time to celebrate. I couldn't believe, I went totally crazy. I'm so happy he's out. And of course now his friends are all like "I wanted to help but didn't know how", yada, yada and my Dad falls for them. Whatever, I don't give a damn. If he wants to believe them, then do so, it's his life not mine.
I guess that's all for now. Be bad, y'all.
2011. április 8., péntek
You don't wanna get to know me, buddy
I wrote this yesterday just forgot to publish. Oh, sweet Lord, today my boss did it again *groans* When he did what he did, I didn't know if I should have cried or laughed, or both. Okay, gotta admit it was my fault he started this time. I was a bad girl and we ditched work with my co-workers, we all did. I got programs until 2pm and afterward I stayed in the office. I sooo wasn't in the mood to go out and knock on every darn door. We stayed indoor and talked all afternoon and we haven't got a programme to Monday. Obviously, boss wasn't too happy with us when he got back and I was the one who met the first wave. He said I wasted a whole day, yada, yada, not that he wasn't right but the way he did it just made me want to hit him. Then came my fave part. Poor man, he's trying so hard and just can't get to me and it makes him damn frustrated. He said I was like a straight line and he didn't know what to do to get a reaction out of me. I wanted to tell him, buddy, you don't wanna get a reaction out of me because you're going to end up hurt and I'm going to end up fired, who wants that, right? God save him when I lose it and tell him what I think about him. It would sound something like this: "You are a poor little bastard and I feel sorry for you, I truly do, but dude, we are so not in the same league." I don't think he would be happy with me after this. Something else, about my co-worker, he asked if Singapore was in South Africa!!! Yes, Africa. There aren't lots of stuff what can silent me but this was one of them. And I work with Einsteins like him. I wonder when I will start to bang my head to the wall.
2011. április 7., csütörtök
Sightseeing-SWOON
Girls, I needed 23 years to realize there are darn sexy Hungarian guys. Maybe I should have opened my eyes earlier. There are look alikes running around in Budapest and I didn't know about it. I travel on the bus with Ryan Philippe. We go together every morning on the bus and what a way to start a day that is! Well, not every morning because the man can't catch the same bus everyday, pff. But when he does... Have I already mentioned the lips? Never mind, worth to repeat, those lips are magical. Oh, and the "I-hate-the-world-face"... And then what a man I met yesterday! Hell, he looked like Charlie Hunnam aka Jackson 'Jax' Teller *swoon* Guys with longer hair aren't my types usually but there are exceptions and he was one of them. And if looking like Jax Teller wouldn't have been enough, he wore a simple black t-shirt with "Zeppelin" text on it. I wanna meet the man again. Seriously, I'll just jump on him if I do.
2011. március 25., péntek
About friends
So I wanted to dedicate an entry for my beloved friends for a while now and finally, the right time came. I might not have tones of friends and they are at every point of the world, except here BUT like they say 'less is more sometimes' and even if they aren't here they help me through these terrible days.
For example, there's Andi. That girl is f*cking awesome. She's such a sweetheart, I'd like to just hug her to death :LOL: She's planning her wedding, also her first baby and even in that chaos she helped me out without making me feel bad. She sent me her computer, spent a day with erasing its memory then installing all the programs etc. I couldn't be more grateful for her. She saved my life with it, or at least I still have electricity in the house. (I managed to get some money from selling my stuff on the net.)
Then there's my fave reader ever. (and her hell kitten, wouldn't be nice to forget about him) She's the best ever, even if we root for different teams in every kind of sport. I still haven't got over her statement about Dallas Cowboys... The girl supports all the wrong teams but I love her anyway, nobody can be perfect :P
I wouldn't forget about my fellow SPN fanatic Josi. I love her, even if she doesn't want to give me Jensen Ackles what is quite selfish given she finally got a man!!! Ha, I was so glad when she told about it. And hey, I might visite her one day when I get enough money, bank robbery seems like a popular and good idea. Maybe I'll just call Jason Statham to help me out with this bank story.
And the "Nikis". They can be tiring and sometimes I need huge self control not to shake them but I love both women. Niki1 gives me a place to stay without asking for it in case if anything happens (but I hope nothing will happen and I won't have to move to the UK). And Niki2... Damn, the girl is fantastic. She brings food, cigarette and helps with anything and everything, I barely believe anybody could ask for more. Poor baby, I felt so sorry for her when last week she drank almost a whole bottle of Jager, saying she wouldn't get sick of that. Turned out she was wrong.
Jorge is my exact opposite. He's my positive bubble. Anytime I feel down, I just tell him and he's got a way to see the good in every fucked up situation. What is even more amazing that he doesn't do it in the annoying self help yoga crap way. He's simply the cutest guy ever, even if he's a Barca fan. I forgive him because he's Catalan. I hope he will get in the NBA one day, he deserves it so much.
Last but not least, there's my fave Smartbutt man ever, the Tiger (and not the Bear, hehe) Justin!!! Nobody uses sarcasm in such an amazing way as my boy, except me of course. I swear I would marry him if he didn't live in the US. Not that he didn't offer to get me a ticket and move in with him. I'm kind of worried about him though. I haven't heard about Jay ever since he moved to Springfield. When we last talked he was in a motel room, stucked in the snow and it's just so not him not giving a sign of life for such a long time. I'd like to believe it's only because of his new job and nothing happened to him :sighs:
I guess that's all for now. Gotta sleep because boss will get my head off if I'm not youthful and fresh (his words, not mine).
For example, there's Andi. That girl is f*cking awesome. She's such a sweetheart, I'd like to just hug her to death :LOL: She's planning her wedding, also her first baby and even in that chaos she helped me out without making me feel bad. She sent me her computer, spent a day with erasing its memory then installing all the programs etc. I couldn't be more grateful for her. She saved my life with it, or at least I still have electricity in the house. (I managed to get some money from selling my stuff on the net.)
Then there's my fave reader ever. (and her hell kitten, wouldn't be nice to forget about him) She's the best ever, even if we root for different teams in every kind of sport. I still haven't got over her statement about Dallas Cowboys... The girl supports all the wrong teams but I love her anyway, nobody can be perfect :P
I wouldn't forget about my fellow SPN fanatic Josi. I love her, even if she doesn't want to give me Jensen Ackles what is quite selfish given she finally got a man!!! Ha, I was so glad when she told about it. And hey, I might visite her one day when I get enough money, bank robbery seems like a popular and good idea. Maybe I'll just call Jason Statham to help me out with this bank story.
And the "Nikis". They can be tiring and sometimes I need huge self control not to shake them but I love both women. Niki1 gives me a place to stay without asking for it in case if anything happens (but I hope nothing will happen and I won't have to move to the UK). And Niki2... Damn, the girl is fantastic. She brings food, cigarette and helps with anything and everything, I barely believe anybody could ask for more. Poor baby, I felt so sorry for her when last week she drank almost a whole bottle of Jager, saying she wouldn't get sick of that. Turned out she was wrong.
Jorge is my exact opposite. He's my positive bubble. Anytime I feel down, I just tell him and he's got a way to see the good in every fucked up situation. What is even more amazing that he doesn't do it in the annoying self help yoga crap way. He's simply the cutest guy ever, even if he's a Barca fan. I forgive him because he's Catalan. I hope he will get in the NBA one day, he deserves it so much.
Last but not least, there's my fave Smartbutt man ever, the Tiger (and not the Bear, hehe) Justin!!! Nobody uses sarcasm in such an amazing way as my boy, except me of course. I swear I would marry him if he didn't live in the US. Not that he didn't offer to get me a ticket and move in with him. I'm kind of worried about him though. I haven't heard about Jay ever since he moved to Springfield. When we last talked he was in a motel room, stucked in the snow and it's just so not him not giving a sign of life for such a long time. I'd like to believe it's only because of his new job and nothing happened to him :sighs:
I guess that's all for now. Gotta sleep because boss will get my head off if I'm not youthful and fresh (his words, not mine).
2011. március 24., csütörtök
Let me hit somebody or get me a punch bag
After such a terrible day like this, I'm amazingly fine. Actually, I'm in a pretty good mood. Probably, because I acted like a real bitch with a dude but he got on my nerves.
The day started with my boss blaming me for a mistake what !!!HE!!! did. He erased an appointment from the calander and because of that we should have been two places at once. I told him, man, that was you, not me but he didn't let it go and said it was my fault and I just wanted to kick him. The dude is totally bipolar. He drives me nuts. Once he says, bring in new built flats then when I do he says "oh, we can't do anything with those", urgh!!! Most of the days I "pray" (not literally, of course) that he would fire me and I feel terrible about it because millions of people could kill for a job and I whine that I wanna quit. I'm a horrible person. So I'm actually feel terrible about how terrible I am :LOL:
Oh, just came to my mind. I saw a guy on the bus and I swear, he looked like Ryan Philippe. Damn, those lips... Wow, now that's something I'd call kissable. I needed every ounce of my self control not to jump on him, hehe.
The day started with my boss blaming me for a mistake what !!!HE!!! did. He erased an appointment from the calander and because of that we should have been two places at once. I told him, man, that was you, not me but he didn't let it go and said it was my fault and I just wanted to kick him. The dude is totally bipolar. He drives me nuts. Once he says, bring in new built flats then when I do he says "oh, we can't do anything with those", urgh!!! Most of the days I "pray" (not literally, of course) that he would fire me and I feel terrible about it because millions of people could kill for a job and I whine that I wanna quit. I'm a horrible person. So I'm actually feel terrible about how terrible I am :LOL:
Oh, just came to my mind. I saw a guy on the bus and I swear, he looked like Ryan Philippe. Damn, those lips... Wow, now that's something I'd call kissable. I needed every ounce of my self control not to jump on him, hehe.
2011. március 20., vasárnap
Just a few words
Let's see what I can say in only a few words. My boss is an idiot but I do feel very sorry for him. He's a good guy but let's face it, not the leader type. Anyway there's a chance I'll get fired, ha, yup, that fast. Things doesn't go too well for the office. Whatever, I'll find something else. I can't do more than I do. I mean, I work my ass off, even he admitted it wasn't my fault that i didn't find more f*cking infos.
I almost laughed into his face when he said he didn't want to threaten me with firing me. Well, guess what buddy, you can not threaten me. My Dad is in jail and my whole family depends on me, so come on, do you seriously think you can scare me? Of course, I didn't say any of those but was nice to imagine :D
Oh, and I saw a naked guy, that was darn funny. Poor guy was emberassingly emberassed :LOL:
I almost laughed into his face when he said he didn't want to threaten me with firing me. Well, guess what buddy, you can not threaten me. My Dad is in jail and my whole family depends on me, so come on, do you seriously think you can scare me? Of course, I didn't say any of those but was nice to imagine :D
Oh, and I saw a naked guy, that was darn funny. Poor guy was emberassingly emberassed :LOL:
2011. március 6., vasárnap
Last month
Where should I start? :sigh: The last month was one of the worst times in my life. I've had to deal with so much stuff that I'm surprised I haven't gone crazy entirely. I thought a lot about if I should share, or not what happened with my family and me, in the end I chose yes.
It's very hard to talk about this... My Dad got into jail, he's under custody even though, he's innocent. Don't even want me to start talking about his so called "friends", they are all disgusting. I always knew Dad couldn't choose his friends very well but there were some men I thought we could count on if something happened, well, turned out I was wrong. And lawyers... Sweet Lord, those are all evil people, I don't even wanna talk about them.
The problem (other than my Dad is in jail) that we haven't got any money, I mean we are on zero. It helps a little that I found a job (I'll write about this later) but it's not enough. We have to pay the house and all the other bills from that and it's obviously not enough.
The job... I work at a real estate agency and it's terrible. I literally became a canvasser. I'm sick of myself and surely, it's my fault, if only I haven't got such high morals, pff... Well, at least they pay something. I work 10-12 hours a day, running around in my zone (yeah, we've got zones, isn't it sweet?), knocking on people's doors, then back to the office and call all the people in our database. I believe this guerilla tactics scare people away but that's how this agency works so I gotta do what I gotta do.
I didn't cry about in 6 years, now it seems like I've got so much tears I will never run out of them. I cry silently, histerically because of my Dad, because I hate my life, because I meet a sweet baby, oh, yep, even for that. I'm ridicolous. My nerves are so thin, I don't even know how I am still on my feet. I've got a panick attack (or it was something like that) at a public place, I cried and cried and I felt like I would suffocate, I couldn't breath. God, was that scary...
That's all for now. I try to write notes about the people I meet because human kind is the weirdest thing in the universe.
It's very hard to talk about this... My Dad got into jail, he's under custody even though, he's innocent. Don't even want me to start talking about his so called "friends", they are all disgusting. I always knew Dad couldn't choose his friends very well but there were some men I thought we could count on if something happened, well, turned out I was wrong. And lawyers... Sweet Lord, those are all evil people, I don't even wanna talk about them.
The problem (other than my Dad is in jail) that we haven't got any money, I mean we are on zero. It helps a little that I found a job (I'll write about this later) but it's not enough. We have to pay the house and all the other bills from that and it's obviously not enough.
The job... I work at a real estate agency and it's terrible. I literally became a canvasser. I'm sick of myself and surely, it's my fault, if only I haven't got such high morals, pff... Well, at least they pay something. I work 10-12 hours a day, running around in my zone (yeah, we've got zones, isn't it sweet?), knocking on people's doors, then back to the office and call all the people in our database. I believe this guerilla tactics scare people away but that's how this agency works so I gotta do what I gotta do.
I didn't cry about in 6 years, now it seems like I've got so much tears I will never run out of them. I cry silently, histerically because of my Dad, because I hate my life, because I meet a sweet baby, oh, yep, even for that. I'm ridicolous. My nerves are so thin, I don't even know how I am still on my feet. I've got a panick attack (or it was something like that) at a public place, I cried and cried and I felt like I would suffocate, I couldn't breath. God, was that scary...
That's all for now. I try to write notes about the people I meet because human kind is the weirdest thing in the universe.
2011. január 18., kedd
Disability No.1
I got it from my Mom. Today I realized the thing what annoys me in my beloved Mother (there isn't anything else what bothers me actually) is a problem for me as well. Disability no.1 is not being able to accept help. That is a huge flaw.
Because really, I'm well aware we all need some help, to lean on somebody every now and then. However, I do not accept help, let alone ask for it. There is a barrier in my mind and I go all offensive and snap at people, playing the cool that I'm strong and I don't need anybody.
Lately I try to watch myself as an outsider and analyze. This problem of mine has more seeds. For one, I got it from my Mom as previously mentioned. I realized this when she tried to deal with the damn clothes-horse - what is on the ceiling - alone, even if I practically begged to help her and she almost fell off the bathtube. This is pretty much the only thing what we usually fight about, that she doesn't want my help. It annoys me, also terrifies me, because I hate the thought of her doing something reckless just because she doesn't wanna ask for help.
Two, I've been let down and disappointed enough to know not to trust anybody. When people who you trust turns against you when things go south, when everybody is against you, you learn to count only on yourself.
For two, I think it's simply in my nature to always deal with everything alone. Probably, it's a thought in the back of my mind that asking/accepting help would make me look weak. Now that makes me shudder and not in a good way. I make my decisions alone, I deal with my problems alone. Okay, I do talk to my Mom and listen to her suggestions (and she's always right) but I do the exact opposite of it everytime even if I know I'm wrong.
If I fail, I take the fall for it. I'm completely capable to deal with anything what comes in my way. But something what Doc said popped into my mind as I fought with my Mom, he said "I know you can do it alone, but you don't have to."
I'm trying to wrap my mind around this thought with not much of a success. I think I'd rather hold my guards upward, that's safe. And yes, I know who doesn't take risk, doesn't even live, blablabla.
Because really, I'm well aware we all need some help, to lean on somebody every now and then. However, I do not accept help, let alone ask for it. There is a barrier in my mind and I go all offensive and snap at people, playing the cool that I'm strong and I don't need anybody.
Lately I try to watch myself as an outsider and analyze. This problem of mine has more seeds. For one, I got it from my Mom as previously mentioned. I realized this when she tried to deal with the damn clothes-horse - what is on the ceiling - alone, even if I practically begged to help her and she almost fell off the bathtube. This is pretty much the only thing what we usually fight about, that she doesn't want my help. It annoys me, also terrifies me, because I hate the thought of her doing something reckless just because she doesn't wanna ask for help.
Two, I've been let down and disappointed enough to know not to trust anybody. When people who you trust turns against you when things go south, when everybody is against you, you learn to count only on yourself.
For two, I think it's simply in my nature to always deal with everything alone. Probably, it's a thought in the back of my mind that asking/accepting help would make me look weak. Now that makes me shudder and not in a good way. I make my decisions alone, I deal with my problems alone. Okay, I do talk to my Mom and listen to her suggestions (and she's always right) but I do the exact opposite of it everytime even if I know I'm wrong.
If I fail, I take the fall for it. I'm completely capable to deal with anything what comes in my way. But something what Doc said popped into my mind as I fought with my Mom, he said "I know you can do it alone, but you don't have to."
I'm trying to wrap my mind around this thought with not much of a success. I think I'd rather hold my guards upward, that's safe. And yes, I know who doesn't take risk, doesn't even live, blablabla.
What to do?
I'm divided about what I should do. My Doc is in Australia and right until this time the flood didn't get where he lives but I've just read that the water got to his place, too. I'm kind of worried. I know I shouldn't care about it, given that I broke things up with him and he hasn't given a sign of life ever since then but still... I would be happy to know, he's fine and no harm has been done. Yeah, that's just so me, keep worry about people all the time. So what should I do? Write a mail, or just let it pass? Phone call is out, for one I've got no money for distance call, plus probably he's working so he couldn't answer anyway. I think I should just keep my concerns for myself.
2011. január 17., hétfő
Behind the name
I believe we've got our names with a good reason and that it truly defines who we are. I am the perfect example for my theory. "Szandra" comes from the old Greek name Alexandra/Alexander. The meaning is protector, fighter for/against men. This leads us to the story of my (currently non-existent) love life.
First of all, I'm absoulutely a one-man's girl. And that's true ever since I know my mind. If I find the (un)lucky one, I'll stay for a long, long time and if needed (what usually is in my case), I'll fight until my last breath, probably even after that.
Let's start with my first big crush in kidergarten. "B" was every little girls dream. There are those kind of guys who everybody wants and yes, it starts right in kindergarten (or maybe in créche, i can't know that). So I was in love with the guy. I've got great memories of those times. I remember one time I even made my nephew to write a love letter for him :giggles: Of course, poor kid got no clue about what was going on. Probably his biggest problem was how to build a decent castle out of sand. But the point is that I've already fought for my man at that age. I got into a fight in the bathroom with another girl over him. It was a real catfight. You can never start too early :LOL:
Then came elementary school and surprise, surprise, I again fell for the one everyone wanted. And got in a fight again! (Okay, gotta admit that wasn't because of a male but because I wanted to be couple in the line with a girl but my all time frenemy got there before me) If I recall correctly, "G" was the only male I didn't have to suffer for or save from anybody/anything. We were in love :) And I went to my first date with him. My Mom and "G"'s mom came behind us, while we were walking, hand in hand. I even went to their place and he came to us. He was a very special young man. He gave me the last piece of his chocolate :D Now, tell me, what could possibly prove one's love more than that? I know, nothing. That's the ultimate sacrifice.
After "G" was transfered tragically to another school there was a year break in my love life. Probably preparation time for "R1". "R1" was also preparation for "R2", but only later about him. So "R1" again, the most popular one. (What is it with me that I always want the best? Ah, yeah, the disadvantages of being maximalist, I guess) It all started out great. We were in 5th grade and he was one of my best friends. Then I started to fall for him and friendship became something more, for me at least. I was madly in love with the guy. But, given that I've got some weight problems, also I was the kind of girl who was mostly a "dude" for boys, well, I've never admitted to him how I felt. (He still doesn't know. It was hilarious when we met an old friend who knew about my feelings and we laughed how silly the whole stuff was and "R1" just stood there dumbly and kept asking what we were talking about.) I suffered silently and supported him in every possible way. I got him a girlfriend, dealt with his relationship problems and always had his back. For example one time our form master totally freaked out when "R1" did something stupid and she wanted to talk to him, give him a lecture and I went with him. She was like "What the heck is wrong with you? You need a girl to protect you?". Now, that was funny. Actually, he did because he was a little bunny. Not even good looking and he's got a terrible voice, like a mouse. Only God knows what we all saw in him. But I managed to get over him (after 2 years of unrequited love), realizing he wasn't good enough for me anyway. Ha, already got the attitude.
There was a quick flick with "B2" who was again "the" man at the time and I was the lucky one he wanted. Unfortunately he got kicked out of school after burning the class' register. He was a good guy, really :P
And then came the ultimate crash, "R2" on 31st May, 2001, 7th grade and there was the "AHA" feeling. (I truly hope this "AHA" thing doesn't come only once in a life time because then I'm screwed big time) What could I say about him? "R2" was 2 years older, the most popular guy of the school, the one who everybody called "THE R2", something like the jocks in American high schools and I couldn't believe he laid eyes on me. Oh, because it was him, not me. I could have cared less about him. I knew who he was and I truly didn't give a sh*t about him otherwise. But that tiny moment when our eyes met sealed my fate for the rest of my life.
I'm not going to babble about how I realized that "damn, I love that idiot" or get into deep details because this is a story what would fill a nice thick book. The point is that I put my life to save him. My whole existence centred round him and his well being. My only aim of walking on Earth was to protect him, save him and make him happy (even if that person who made him happy wasn't me. I literally gave him to another girl when I thought he loved her). I broke my very own rule about not loving a junkie, ditched school, forgot about studying, anti-socialized, my own well being was the very last thing I could have cared about. When they say in movies/books the cheesy line, "You are like drug." it sounds very cliche but from personal experience I can tell it's true, you can get addicted to another person. I fought for his life like nothing else mattered in the world and really, for me didn't.
There were good times and bad times. Okay, mostly bad but the good was like nothing else I've ever experienced. My Mom often mentions how she knew if something good happened because she could heard it as I walked, my steps were light like I was flying above the ground.
"R2" got some very valuable features. Such as he was the only person in the world I've ever obeyed to. I've never been obedient, just ask my Mom. Disagreement is in my blood. If one says "yes", I'll say "no", if one says "no", I'll say "yes". I love resisting and just do whatever I want, even if I know it's stupid. If I made up my mind, there's nobody in the whole universe who can stop me. But amazingly he's got the talent to stop me, to make me listen to him, to get his way with me, to make me tell him anything and everything. I let down my natural guards, the ones what kept people in a decent 3 steps away from me and let him in completely.
However, this love damaged me. I'm not going to lie about it, it did. I depended on the man. He wasn't even like drug for me, he was air and I could have only breathed when I knew he was alright. For years I only existed. The loss of him, the losing of the war I fought, all haunted me, it was always in the back of my mind that I let him down, I lost the fight, I did everything for nothing, bared the humilation, the hurt, the pain, dealt with a psycho b*tch who wanted to know me 6 feet under ground for a f*cking big nothing.
That was my first and last fail ever. Whatever happens I always manage somehow, maybe on the hard way but I do. However, not that time. At least, that was what I thought. Then one night when I had trouble with sleeping again I realized that I was wrong all along. The only thing I prayed for (desperate times, you can tell) was his well being, his happiness. I kept repeating everyday "I didn't care if we would be together or not unless he was fine." And he is fine. I got him out alive, mentally healthy and he could move on with his life. So after all, I won.
I managed to get into the topic deeper than I planned to but well, hell, at least I proved my point. My name really define me. I fight for my man all the way.
First of all, I'm absoulutely a one-man's girl. And that's true ever since I know my mind. If I find the (un)lucky one, I'll stay for a long, long time and if needed (what usually is in my case), I'll fight until my last breath, probably even after that.
Let's start with my first big crush in kidergarten. "B" was every little girls dream. There are those kind of guys who everybody wants and yes, it starts right in kindergarten (or maybe in créche, i can't know that). So I was in love with the guy. I've got great memories of those times. I remember one time I even made my nephew to write a love letter for him :giggles: Of course, poor kid got no clue about what was going on. Probably his biggest problem was how to build a decent castle out of sand. But the point is that I've already fought for my man at that age. I got into a fight in the bathroom with another girl over him. It was a real catfight. You can never start too early :LOL:
Then came elementary school and surprise, surprise, I again fell for the one everyone wanted. And got in a fight again! (Okay, gotta admit that wasn't because of a male but because I wanted to be couple in the line with a girl but my all time frenemy got there before me) If I recall correctly, "G" was the only male I didn't have to suffer for or save from anybody/anything. We were in love :) And I went to my first date with him. My Mom and "G"'s mom came behind us, while we were walking, hand in hand. I even went to their place and he came to us. He was a very special young man. He gave me the last piece of his chocolate :D Now, tell me, what could possibly prove one's love more than that? I know, nothing. That's the ultimate sacrifice.
After "G" was transfered tragically to another school there was a year break in my love life. Probably preparation time for "R1". "R1" was also preparation for "R2", but only later about him. So "R1" again, the most popular one. (What is it with me that I always want the best? Ah, yeah, the disadvantages of being maximalist, I guess) It all started out great. We were in 5th grade and he was one of my best friends. Then I started to fall for him and friendship became something more, for me at least. I was madly in love with the guy. But, given that I've got some weight problems, also I was the kind of girl who was mostly a "dude" for boys, well, I've never admitted to him how I felt. (He still doesn't know. It was hilarious when we met an old friend who knew about my feelings and we laughed how silly the whole stuff was and "R1" just stood there dumbly and kept asking what we were talking about.) I suffered silently and supported him in every possible way. I got him a girlfriend, dealt with his relationship problems and always had his back. For example one time our form master totally freaked out when "R1" did something stupid and she wanted to talk to him, give him a lecture and I went with him. She was like "What the heck is wrong with you? You need a girl to protect you?". Now, that was funny. Actually, he did because he was a little bunny. Not even good looking and he's got a terrible voice, like a mouse. Only God knows what we all saw in him. But I managed to get over him (after 2 years of unrequited love), realizing he wasn't good enough for me anyway. Ha, already got the attitude.
There was a quick flick with "B2" who was again "the" man at the time and I was the lucky one he wanted. Unfortunately he got kicked out of school after burning the class' register. He was a good guy, really :P
And then came the ultimate crash, "R2" on 31st May, 2001, 7th grade and there was the "AHA" feeling. (I truly hope this "AHA" thing doesn't come only once in a life time because then I'm screwed big time) What could I say about him? "R2" was 2 years older, the most popular guy of the school, the one who everybody called "THE R2", something like the jocks in American high schools and I couldn't believe he laid eyes on me. Oh, because it was him, not me. I could have cared less about him. I knew who he was and I truly didn't give a sh*t about him otherwise. But that tiny moment when our eyes met sealed my fate for the rest of my life.
I'm not going to babble about how I realized that "damn, I love that idiot" or get into deep details because this is a story what would fill a nice thick book. The point is that I put my life to save him. My whole existence centred round him and his well being. My only aim of walking on Earth was to protect him, save him and make him happy (even if that person who made him happy wasn't me. I literally gave him to another girl when I thought he loved her). I broke my very own rule about not loving a junkie, ditched school, forgot about studying, anti-socialized, my own well being was the very last thing I could have cared about. When they say in movies/books the cheesy line, "You are like drug." it sounds very cliche but from personal experience I can tell it's true, you can get addicted to another person. I fought for his life like nothing else mattered in the world and really, for me didn't.
There were good times and bad times. Okay, mostly bad but the good was like nothing else I've ever experienced. My Mom often mentions how she knew if something good happened because she could heard it as I walked, my steps were light like I was flying above the ground.
"R2" got some very valuable features. Such as he was the only person in the world I've ever obeyed to. I've never been obedient, just ask my Mom. Disagreement is in my blood. If one says "yes", I'll say "no", if one says "no", I'll say "yes". I love resisting and just do whatever I want, even if I know it's stupid. If I made up my mind, there's nobody in the whole universe who can stop me. But amazingly he's got the talent to stop me, to make me listen to him, to get his way with me, to make me tell him anything and everything. I let down my natural guards, the ones what kept people in a decent 3 steps away from me and let him in completely.
However, this love damaged me. I'm not going to lie about it, it did. I depended on the man. He wasn't even like drug for me, he was air and I could have only breathed when I knew he was alright. For years I only existed. The loss of him, the losing of the war I fought, all haunted me, it was always in the back of my mind that I let him down, I lost the fight, I did everything for nothing, bared the humilation, the hurt, the pain, dealt with a psycho b*tch who wanted to know me 6 feet under ground for a f*cking big nothing.
That was my first and last fail ever. Whatever happens I always manage somehow, maybe on the hard way but I do. However, not that time. At least, that was what I thought. Then one night when I had trouble with sleeping again I realized that I was wrong all along. The only thing I prayed for (desperate times, you can tell) was his well being, his happiness. I kept repeating everyday "I didn't care if we would be together or not unless he was fine." And he is fine. I got him out alive, mentally healthy and he could move on with his life. So after all, I won.
I managed to get into the topic deeper than I planned to but well, hell, at least I proved my point. My name really define me. I fight for my man all the way.
2011. január 16., vasárnap
I would give anything, but You want everything
Hey Everybody,
Here I am again. I decided to start blogging again, given that I've actually got stuff to write about. Surprise, things started to happen with me! How wonderful, isn't it?
Let's start with the biggest news and I'll tell the rest in other entries. So, I met a man. That was the kind of moment when you feel the immediate connection. There isn't love at first sight, but there are certain times when something moves in the air and sparkles fly. I could call him a "guy" or "dude", or something silly like those what I usually call the male population but my Doc is a man, big time and he is very well aware of it. It all happened in a blink of a time. Some time between Christmas and New Year I crashed into this man who pushed me so off balance.
I swear, I lost my mind faster than you could say 'Johnny Depp'. He is the dream of the female population, well, those who like strong and confident men. 26 years old, doctor, !Australian! and well, pretty much perfect. Fighter for human rights, clean of drugs, love music, movies, kids and got the attitude, the one what screams "DANGER". He's a dream.
But of course, the problem with perfectness is that it's never last forever and the problem with dreams that you gotta wake up eventually. My dear Doc just wanted too much, probably also too fast. We were rushing like Denzel Washington and Chris Pine on that unstoppable train. We weren't together for 2 weeks and talked about having kids. Okay, I do want kids, rather sooner than later and I could see him as a great daddy but still. For example, just one simple question of the dozen what came into my mind. Where would we live? I don't wanna go anywhere from here. I suppose he didn't want to move either. And there he would say 'we could talk this over, instead of you assuming what I would or wouldn't do'. Pff, the man is a living zen book.
But I liked it, he gave me his full attention. What was also scary in a way. Being with him kept me off balance all the time, just knowing he analyzed every word I said. It's true that women want their man to listen to them, but this is the perfect example of be aware of what you wish for. Full attention can be absoulutely unsettling. I don't get emberassed easily but he managed to blur my thoughts way too easily.
Beside a man like him, well, let's just say I was very aware that I'm a woman. I bet he could easily make believe the ugliest woman in the world that she is the most beautiful in the whole universe. He really is the kind of man who can make any girl feel special.
I was falling fast and unstoppably. I felt the familiar feeling coming closer and closer with everyday and I would have gotten addicted to my Doc (and we mostly only emailed to each other!). And he wanted it. He wanted everything. Rushing things with me and my trust issues is not something anybody in their right mind should do. If you don't want the bunny to run, just stay still and let it get used to you. Mr. Perfect after all got a flaw, impatience, huge time. He wanted me to open up, "surrender" as he put it and then I had to say stop. You might think I freaked out and just cop out, threw away something amazing but I like to think I let my rational side win over my obviously fogged mind.
I've been there, done that and learnt my lesson in a hard way. I'm not about to let myself depend on anyone again. Because that's what he wanted, complete and full trust. I'm not sure if I can give it to anybody ever again, let alone to someone I barely know for 3 weeks. Even if he seemed to be perfect, exactly what I wanted, that doesn't mean he wouldn't have let me down. Because we are people and that's just the way we are. I'm not sure I could recover from something like that one more time and I'm absoulutely not willing to try. I just like to keep little pieces to myself. I believe it's completely normal. What is not normal is what I did back then for a man, meaning giving myself up, letting myself to fully depend on him.
So I broke up. It was damn hard. It killed me to do it, especially that I was totally drawn to him, let alone he said I was everything what he dreamt of. However, there are no fairy tales and no Prince Charmings. I knew I had to wake up and not let myself sink deeper. Really, that just wouldn't have ended well.
I'm not going to deny, I do miss his mails what waited for me every morning, the short ones when he went to sleep, or worked, and the long ones with tiny details for each and every of my sentences. Of course I miss it, I would be insane not to.
And I know I hurt him and I feel guilty about it. I suggested we could be friends, what I absoulutely regretted at the moment I said it but I'm a selfish bitch and wanted to keep him around. Well, of course, he hasn't talked to me ever since then and probably won't talk to me ever again. What is a shame because I adored the man, I really did but he wanted something, (or shall I say everything) I wouldn't give to him.
Here I am again. I decided to start blogging again, given that I've actually got stuff to write about. Surprise, things started to happen with me! How wonderful, isn't it?
Let's start with the biggest news and I'll tell the rest in other entries. So, I met a man. That was the kind of moment when you feel the immediate connection. There isn't love at first sight, but there are certain times when something moves in the air and sparkles fly. I could call him a "guy" or "dude", or something silly like those what I usually call the male population but my Doc is a man, big time and he is very well aware of it. It all happened in a blink of a time. Some time between Christmas and New Year I crashed into this man who pushed me so off balance.
I swear, I lost my mind faster than you could say 'Johnny Depp'. He is the dream of the female population, well, those who like strong and confident men. 26 years old, doctor, !Australian! and well, pretty much perfect. Fighter for human rights, clean of drugs, love music, movies, kids and got the attitude, the one what screams "DANGER". He's a dream.
But of course, the problem with perfectness is that it's never last forever and the problem with dreams that you gotta wake up eventually. My dear Doc just wanted too much, probably also too fast. We were rushing like Denzel Washington and Chris Pine on that unstoppable train. We weren't together for 2 weeks and talked about having kids. Okay, I do want kids, rather sooner than later and I could see him as a great daddy but still. For example, just one simple question of the dozen what came into my mind. Where would we live? I don't wanna go anywhere from here. I suppose he didn't want to move either. And there he would say 'we could talk this over, instead of you assuming what I would or wouldn't do'. Pff, the man is a living zen book.
But I liked it, he gave me his full attention. What was also scary in a way. Being with him kept me off balance all the time, just knowing he analyzed every word I said. It's true that women want their man to listen to them, but this is the perfect example of be aware of what you wish for. Full attention can be absoulutely unsettling. I don't get emberassed easily but he managed to blur my thoughts way too easily.
Beside a man like him, well, let's just say I was very aware that I'm a woman. I bet he could easily make believe the ugliest woman in the world that she is the most beautiful in the whole universe. He really is the kind of man who can make any girl feel special.
I was falling fast and unstoppably. I felt the familiar feeling coming closer and closer with everyday and I would have gotten addicted to my Doc (and we mostly only emailed to each other!). And he wanted it. He wanted everything. Rushing things with me and my trust issues is not something anybody in their right mind should do. If you don't want the bunny to run, just stay still and let it get used to you. Mr. Perfect after all got a flaw, impatience, huge time. He wanted me to open up, "surrender" as he put it and then I had to say stop. You might think I freaked out and just cop out, threw away something amazing but I like to think I let my rational side win over my obviously fogged mind.
I've been there, done that and learnt my lesson in a hard way. I'm not about to let myself depend on anyone again. Because that's what he wanted, complete and full trust. I'm not sure if I can give it to anybody ever again, let alone to someone I barely know for 3 weeks. Even if he seemed to be perfect, exactly what I wanted, that doesn't mean he wouldn't have let me down. Because we are people and that's just the way we are. I'm not sure I could recover from something like that one more time and I'm absoulutely not willing to try. I just like to keep little pieces to myself. I believe it's completely normal. What is not normal is what I did back then for a man, meaning giving myself up, letting myself to fully depend on him.
So I broke up. It was damn hard. It killed me to do it, especially that I was totally drawn to him, let alone he said I was everything what he dreamt of. However, there are no fairy tales and no Prince Charmings. I knew I had to wake up and not let myself sink deeper. Really, that just wouldn't have ended well.
I'm not going to deny, I do miss his mails what waited for me every morning, the short ones when he went to sleep, or worked, and the long ones with tiny details for each and every of my sentences. Of course I miss it, I would be insane not to.
And I know I hurt him and I feel guilty about it. I suggested we could be friends, what I absoulutely regretted at the moment I said it but I'm a selfish bitch and wanted to keep him around. Well, of course, he hasn't talked to me ever since then and probably won't talk to me ever again. What is a shame because I adored the man, I really did but he wanted something, (or shall I say everything) I wouldn't give to him.
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