I got it from my Mom. Today I realized the thing what annoys me in my beloved Mother (there isn't anything else what bothers me actually) is a problem for me as well. Disability no.1 is not being able to accept help. That is a huge flaw.
Because really, I'm well aware we all need some help, to lean on somebody every now and then. However, I do not accept help, let alone ask for it. There is a barrier in my mind and I go all offensive and snap at people, playing the cool that I'm strong and I don't need anybody.
Lately I try to watch myself as an outsider and analyze. This problem of mine has more seeds. For one, I got it from my Mom as previously mentioned. I realized this when she tried to deal with the damn clothes-horse - what is on the ceiling - alone, even if I practically begged to help her and she almost fell off the bathtube. This is pretty much the only thing what we usually fight about, that she doesn't want my help. It annoys me, also terrifies me, because I hate the thought of her doing something reckless just because she doesn't wanna ask for help.
Two, I've been let down and disappointed enough to know not to trust anybody. When people who you trust turns against you when things go south, when everybody is against you, you learn to count only on yourself.
For two, I think it's simply in my nature to always deal with everything alone. Probably, it's a thought in the back of my mind that asking/accepting help would make me look weak. Now that makes me shudder and not in a good way. I make my decisions alone, I deal with my problems alone. Okay, I do talk to my Mom and listen to her suggestions (and she's always right) but I do the exact opposite of it everytime even if I know I'm wrong.
If I fail, I take the fall for it. I'm completely capable to deal with anything what comes in my way. But something what Doc said popped into my mind as I fought with my Mom, he said "I know you can do it alone, but you don't have to."
I'm trying to wrap my mind around this thought with not much of a success. I think I'd rather hold my guards upward, that's safe. And yes, I know who doesn't take risk, doesn't even live, blablabla.
2011. január 18., kedd
What to do?
I'm divided about what I should do. My Doc is in Australia and right until this time the flood didn't get where he lives but I've just read that the water got to his place, too. I'm kind of worried. I know I shouldn't care about it, given that I broke things up with him and he hasn't given a sign of life ever since then but still... I would be happy to know, he's fine and no harm has been done. Yeah, that's just so me, keep worry about people all the time. So what should I do? Write a mail, or just let it pass? Phone call is out, for one I've got no money for distance call, plus probably he's working so he couldn't answer anyway. I think I should just keep my concerns for myself.
2011. január 17., hétfő
Behind the name
I believe we've got our names with a good reason and that it truly defines who we are. I am the perfect example for my theory. "Szandra" comes from the old Greek name Alexandra/Alexander. The meaning is protector, fighter for/against men. This leads us to the story of my (currently non-existent) love life.
First of all, I'm absoulutely a one-man's girl. And that's true ever since I know my mind. If I find the (un)lucky one, I'll stay for a long, long time and if needed (what usually is in my case), I'll fight until my last breath, probably even after that.
Let's start with my first big crush in kidergarten. "B" was every little girls dream. There are those kind of guys who everybody wants and yes, it starts right in kindergarten (or maybe in créche, i can't know that). So I was in love with the guy. I've got great memories of those times. I remember one time I even made my nephew to write a love letter for him :giggles: Of course, poor kid got no clue about what was going on. Probably his biggest problem was how to build a decent castle out of sand. But the point is that I've already fought for my man at that age. I got into a fight in the bathroom with another girl over him. It was a real catfight. You can never start too early :LOL:
Then came elementary school and surprise, surprise, I again fell for the one everyone wanted. And got in a fight again! (Okay, gotta admit that wasn't because of a male but because I wanted to be couple in the line with a girl but my all time frenemy got there before me) If I recall correctly, "G" was the only male I didn't have to suffer for or save from anybody/anything. We were in love :) And I went to my first date with him. My Mom and "G"'s mom came behind us, while we were walking, hand in hand. I even went to their place and he came to us. He was a very special young man. He gave me the last piece of his chocolate :D Now, tell me, what could possibly prove one's love more than that? I know, nothing. That's the ultimate sacrifice.
After "G" was transfered tragically to another school there was a year break in my love life. Probably preparation time for "R1". "R1" was also preparation for "R2", but only later about him. So "R1" again, the most popular one. (What is it with me that I always want the best? Ah, yeah, the disadvantages of being maximalist, I guess) It all started out great. We were in 5th grade and he was one of my best friends. Then I started to fall for him and friendship became something more, for me at least. I was madly in love with the guy. But, given that I've got some weight problems, also I was the kind of girl who was mostly a "dude" for boys, well, I've never admitted to him how I felt. (He still doesn't know. It was hilarious when we met an old friend who knew about my feelings and we laughed how silly the whole stuff was and "R1" just stood there dumbly and kept asking what we were talking about.) I suffered silently and supported him in every possible way. I got him a girlfriend, dealt with his relationship problems and always had his back. For example one time our form master totally freaked out when "R1" did something stupid and she wanted to talk to him, give him a lecture and I went with him. She was like "What the heck is wrong with you? You need a girl to protect you?". Now, that was funny. Actually, he did because he was a little bunny. Not even good looking and he's got a terrible voice, like a mouse. Only God knows what we all saw in him. But I managed to get over him (after 2 years of unrequited love), realizing he wasn't good enough for me anyway. Ha, already got the attitude.
There was a quick flick with "B2" who was again "the" man at the time and I was the lucky one he wanted. Unfortunately he got kicked out of school after burning the class' register. He was a good guy, really :P
And then came the ultimate crash, "R2" on 31st May, 2001, 7th grade and there was the "AHA" feeling. (I truly hope this "AHA" thing doesn't come only once in a life time because then I'm screwed big time) What could I say about him? "R2" was 2 years older, the most popular guy of the school, the one who everybody called "THE R2", something like the jocks in American high schools and I couldn't believe he laid eyes on me. Oh, because it was him, not me. I could have cared less about him. I knew who he was and I truly didn't give a sh*t about him otherwise. But that tiny moment when our eyes met sealed my fate for the rest of my life.
I'm not going to babble about how I realized that "damn, I love that idiot" or get into deep details because this is a story what would fill a nice thick book. The point is that I put my life to save him. My whole existence centred round him and his well being. My only aim of walking on Earth was to protect him, save him and make him happy (even if that person who made him happy wasn't me. I literally gave him to another girl when I thought he loved her). I broke my very own rule about not loving a junkie, ditched school, forgot about studying, anti-socialized, my own well being was the very last thing I could have cared about. When they say in movies/books the cheesy line, "You are like drug." it sounds very cliche but from personal experience I can tell it's true, you can get addicted to another person. I fought for his life like nothing else mattered in the world and really, for me didn't.
There were good times and bad times. Okay, mostly bad but the good was like nothing else I've ever experienced. My Mom often mentions how she knew if something good happened because she could heard it as I walked, my steps were light like I was flying above the ground.
"R2" got some very valuable features. Such as he was the only person in the world I've ever obeyed to. I've never been obedient, just ask my Mom. Disagreement is in my blood. If one says "yes", I'll say "no", if one says "no", I'll say "yes". I love resisting and just do whatever I want, even if I know it's stupid. If I made up my mind, there's nobody in the whole universe who can stop me. But amazingly he's got the talent to stop me, to make me listen to him, to get his way with me, to make me tell him anything and everything. I let down my natural guards, the ones what kept people in a decent 3 steps away from me and let him in completely.
However, this love damaged me. I'm not going to lie about it, it did. I depended on the man. He wasn't even like drug for me, he was air and I could have only breathed when I knew he was alright. For years I only existed. The loss of him, the losing of the war I fought, all haunted me, it was always in the back of my mind that I let him down, I lost the fight, I did everything for nothing, bared the humilation, the hurt, the pain, dealt with a psycho b*tch who wanted to know me 6 feet under ground for a f*cking big nothing.
That was my first and last fail ever. Whatever happens I always manage somehow, maybe on the hard way but I do. However, not that time. At least, that was what I thought. Then one night when I had trouble with sleeping again I realized that I was wrong all along. The only thing I prayed for (desperate times, you can tell) was his well being, his happiness. I kept repeating everyday "I didn't care if we would be together or not unless he was fine." And he is fine. I got him out alive, mentally healthy and he could move on with his life. So after all, I won.
I managed to get into the topic deeper than I planned to but well, hell, at least I proved my point. My name really define me. I fight for my man all the way.
First of all, I'm absoulutely a one-man's girl. And that's true ever since I know my mind. If I find the (un)lucky one, I'll stay for a long, long time and if needed (what usually is in my case), I'll fight until my last breath, probably even after that.
Let's start with my first big crush in kidergarten. "B" was every little girls dream. There are those kind of guys who everybody wants and yes, it starts right in kindergarten (or maybe in créche, i can't know that). So I was in love with the guy. I've got great memories of those times. I remember one time I even made my nephew to write a love letter for him :giggles: Of course, poor kid got no clue about what was going on. Probably his biggest problem was how to build a decent castle out of sand. But the point is that I've already fought for my man at that age. I got into a fight in the bathroom with another girl over him. It was a real catfight. You can never start too early :LOL:
Then came elementary school and surprise, surprise, I again fell for the one everyone wanted. And got in a fight again! (Okay, gotta admit that wasn't because of a male but because I wanted to be couple in the line with a girl but my all time frenemy got there before me) If I recall correctly, "G" was the only male I didn't have to suffer for or save from anybody/anything. We were in love :) And I went to my first date with him. My Mom and "G"'s mom came behind us, while we were walking, hand in hand. I even went to their place and he came to us. He was a very special young man. He gave me the last piece of his chocolate :D Now, tell me, what could possibly prove one's love more than that? I know, nothing. That's the ultimate sacrifice.
After "G" was transfered tragically to another school there was a year break in my love life. Probably preparation time for "R1". "R1" was also preparation for "R2", but only later about him. So "R1" again, the most popular one. (What is it with me that I always want the best? Ah, yeah, the disadvantages of being maximalist, I guess) It all started out great. We were in 5th grade and he was one of my best friends. Then I started to fall for him and friendship became something more, for me at least. I was madly in love with the guy. But, given that I've got some weight problems, also I was the kind of girl who was mostly a "dude" for boys, well, I've never admitted to him how I felt. (He still doesn't know. It was hilarious when we met an old friend who knew about my feelings and we laughed how silly the whole stuff was and "R1" just stood there dumbly and kept asking what we were talking about.) I suffered silently and supported him in every possible way. I got him a girlfriend, dealt with his relationship problems and always had his back. For example one time our form master totally freaked out when "R1" did something stupid and she wanted to talk to him, give him a lecture and I went with him. She was like "What the heck is wrong with you? You need a girl to protect you?". Now, that was funny. Actually, he did because he was a little bunny. Not even good looking and he's got a terrible voice, like a mouse. Only God knows what we all saw in him. But I managed to get over him (after 2 years of unrequited love), realizing he wasn't good enough for me anyway. Ha, already got the attitude.
There was a quick flick with "B2" who was again "the" man at the time and I was the lucky one he wanted. Unfortunately he got kicked out of school after burning the class' register. He was a good guy, really :P
And then came the ultimate crash, "R2" on 31st May, 2001, 7th grade and there was the "AHA" feeling. (I truly hope this "AHA" thing doesn't come only once in a life time because then I'm screwed big time) What could I say about him? "R2" was 2 years older, the most popular guy of the school, the one who everybody called "THE R2", something like the jocks in American high schools and I couldn't believe he laid eyes on me. Oh, because it was him, not me. I could have cared less about him. I knew who he was and I truly didn't give a sh*t about him otherwise. But that tiny moment when our eyes met sealed my fate for the rest of my life.
I'm not going to babble about how I realized that "damn, I love that idiot" or get into deep details because this is a story what would fill a nice thick book. The point is that I put my life to save him. My whole existence centred round him and his well being. My only aim of walking on Earth was to protect him, save him and make him happy (even if that person who made him happy wasn't me. I literally gave him to another girl when I thought he loved her). I broke my very own rule about not loving a junkie, ditched school, forgot about studying, anti-socialized, my own well being was the very last thing I could have cared about. When they say in movies/books the cheesy line, "You are like drug." it sounds very cliche but from personal experience I can tell it's true, you can get addicted to another person. I fought for his life like nothing else mattered in the world and really, for me didn't.
There were good times and bad times. Okay, mostly bad but the good was like nothing else I've ever experienced. My Mom often mentions how she knew if something good happened because she could heard it as I walked, my steps were light like I was flying above the ground.
"R2" got some very valuable features. Such as he was the only person in the world I've ever obeyed to. I've never been obedient, just ask my Mom. Disagreement is in my blood. If one says "yes", I'll say "no", if one says "no", I'll say "yes". I love resisting and just do whatever I want, even if I know it's stupid. If I made up my mind, there's nobody in the whole universe who can stop me. But amazingly he's got the talent to stop me, to make me listen to him, to get his way with me, to make me tell him anything and everything. I let down my natural guards, the ones what kept people in a decent 3 steps away from me and let him in completely.
However, this love damaged me. I'm not going to lie about it, it did. I depended on the man. He wasn't even like drug for me, he was air and I could have only breathed when I knew he was alright. For years I only existed. The loss of him, the losing of the war I fought, all haunted me, it was always in the back of my mind that I let him down, I lost the fight, I did everything for nothing, bared the humilation, the hurt, the pain, dealt with a psycho b*tch who wanted to know me 6 feet under ground for a f*cking big nothing.
That was my first and last fail ever. Whatever happens I always manage somehow, maybe on the hard way but I do. However, not that time. At least, that was what I thought. Then one night when I had trouble with sleeping again I realized that I was wrong all along. The only thing I prayed for (desperate times, you can tell) was his well being, his happiness. I kept repeating everyday "I didn't care if we would be together or not unless he was fine." And he is fine. I got him out alive, mentally healthy and he could move on with his life. So after all, I won.
I managed to get into the topic deeper than I planned to but well, hell, at least I proved my point. My name really define me. I fight for my man all the way.
2011. január 16., vasárnap
I would give anything, but You want everything
Hey Everybody,
Here I am again. I decided to start blogging again, given that I've actually got stuff to write about. Surprise, things started to happen with me! How wonderful, isn't it?
Let's start with the biggest news and I'll tell the rest in other entries. So, I met a man. That was the kind of moment when you feel the immediate connection. There isn't love at first sight, but there are certain times when something moves in the air and sparkles fly. I could call him a "guy" or "dude", or something silly like those what I usually call the male population but my Doc is a man, big time and he is very well aware of it. It all happened in a blink of a time. Some time between Christmas and New Year I crashed into this man who pushed me so off balance.
I swear, I lost my mind faster than you could say 'Johnny Depp'. He is the dream of the female population, well, those who like strong and confident men. 26 years old, doctor, !Australian! and well, pretty much perfect. Fighter for human rights, clean of drugs, love music, movies, kids and got the attitude, the one what screams "DANGER". He's a dream.
But of course, the problem with perfectness is that it's never last forever and the problem with dreams that you gotta wake up eventually. My dear Doc just wanted too much, probably also too fast. We were rushing like Denzel Washington and Chris Pine on that unstoppable train. We weren't together for 2 weeks and talked about having kids. Okay, I do want kids, rather sooner than later and I could see him as a great daddy but still. For example, just one simple question of the dozen what came into my mind. Where would we live? I don't wanna go anywhere from here. I suppose he didn't want to move either. And there he would say 'we could talk this over, instead of you assuming what I would or wouldn't do'. Pff, the man is a living zen book.
But I liked it, he gave me his full attention. What was also scary in a way. Being with him kept me off balance all the time, just knowing he analyzed every word I said. It's true that women want their man to listen to them, but this is the perfect example of be aware of what you wish for. Full attention can be absoulutely unsettling. I don't get emberassed easily but he managed to blur my thoughts way too easily.
Beside a man like him, well, let's just say I was very aware that I'm a woman. I bet he could easily make believe the ugliest woman in the world that she is the most beautiful in the whole universe. He really is the kind of man who can make any girl feel special.
I was falling fast and unstoppably. I felt the familiar feeling coming closer and closer with everyday and I would have gotten addicted to my Doc (and we mostly only emailed to each other!). And he wanted it. He wanted everything. Rushing things with me and my trust issues is not something anybody in their right mind should do. If you don't want the bunny to run, just stay still and let it get used to you. Mr. Perfect after all got a flaw, impatience, huge time. He wanted me to open up, "surrender" as he put it and then I had to say stop. You might think I freaked out and just cop out, threw away something amazing but I like to think I let my rational side win over my obviously fogged mind.
I've been there, done that and learnt my lesson in a hard way. I'm not about to let myself depend on anyone again. Because that's what he wanted, complete and full trust. I'm not sure if I can give it to anybody ever again, let alone to someone I barely know for 3 weeks. Even if he seemed to be perfect, exactly what I wanted, that doesn't mean he wouldn't have let me down. Because we are people and that's just the way we are. I'm not sure I could recover from something like that one more time and I'm absoulutely not willing to try. I just like to keep little pieces to myself. I believe it's completely normal. What is not normal is what I did back then for a man, meaning giving myself up, letting myself to fully depend on him.
So I broke up. It was damn hard. It killed me to do it, especially that I was totally drawn to him, let alone he said I was everything what he dreamt of. However, there are no fairy tales and no Prince Charmings. I knew I had to wake up and not let myself sink deeper. Really, that just wouldn't have ended well.
I'm not going to deny, I do miss his mails what waited for me every morning, the short ones when he went to sleep, or worked, and the long ones with tiny details for each and every of my sentences. Of course I miss it, I would be insane not to.
And I know I hurt him and I feel guilty about it. I suggested we could be friends, what I absoulutely regretted at the moment I said it but I'm a selfish bitch and wanted to keep him around. Well, of course, he hasn't talked to me ever since then and probably won't talk to me ever again. What is a shame because I adored the man, I really did but he wanted something, (or shall I say everything) I wouldn't give to him.
Here I am again. I decided to start blogging again, given that I've actually got stuff to write about. Surprise, things started to happen with me! How wonderful, isn't it?
Let's start with the biggest news and I'll tell the rest in other entries. So, I met a man. That was the kind of moment when you feel the immediate connection. There isn't love at first sight, but there are certain times when something moves in the air and sparkles fly. I could call him a "guy" or "dude", or something silly like those what I usually call the male population but my Doc is a man, big time and he is very well aware of it. It all happened in a blink of a time. Some time between Christmas and New Year I crashed into this man who pushed me so off balance.
I swear, I lost my mind faster than you could say 'Johnny Depp'. He is the dream of the female population, well, those who like strong and confident men. 26 years old, doctor, !Australian! and well, pretty much perfect. Fighter for human rights, clean of drugs, love music, movies, kids and got the attitude, the one what screams "DANGER". He's a dream.
But of course, the problem with perfectness is that it's never last forever and the problem with dreams that you gotta wake up eventually. My dear Doc just wanted too much, probably also too fast. We were rushing like Denzel Washington and Chris Pine on that unstoppable train. We weren't together for 2 weeks and talked about having kids. Okay, I do want kids, rather sooner than later and I could see him as a great daddy but still. For example, just one simple question of the dozen what came into my mind. Where would we live? I don't wanna go anywhere from here. I suppose he didn't want to move either. And there he would say 'we could talk this over, instead of you assuming what I would or wouldn't do'. Pff, the man is a living zen book.
But I liked it, he gave me his full attention. What was also scary in a way. Being with him kept me off balance all the time, just knowing he analyzed every word I said. It's true that women want their man to listen to them, but this is the perfect example of be aware of what you wish for. Full attention can be absoulutely unsettling. I don't get emberassed easily but he managed to blur my thoughts way too easily.
Beside a man like him, well, let's just say I was very aware that I'm a woman. I bet he could easily make believe the ugliest woman in the world that she is the most beautiful in the whole universe. He really is the kind of man who can make any girl feel special.
I was falling fast and unstoppably. I felt the familiar feeling coming closer and closer with everyday and I would have gotten addicted to my Doc (and we mostly only emailed to each other!). And he wanted it. He wanted everything. Rushing things with me and my trust issues is not something anybody in their right mind should do. If you don't want the bunny to run, just stay still and let it get used to you. Mr. Perfect after all got a flaw, impatience, huge time. He wanted me to open up, "surrender" as he put it and then I had to say stop. You might think I freaked out and just cop out, threw away something amazing but I like to think I let my rational side win over my obviously fogged mind.
I've been there, done that and learnt my lesson in a hard way. I'm not about to let myself depend on anyone again. Because that's what he wanted, complete and full trust. I'm not sure if I can give it to anybody ever again, let alone to someone I barely know for 3 weeks. Even if he seemed to be perfect, exactly what I wanted, that doesn't mean he wouldn't have let me down. Because we are people and that's just the way we are. I'm not sure I could recover from something like that one more time and I'm absoulutely not willing to try. I just like to keep little pieces to myself. I believe it's completely normal. What is not normal is what I did back then for a man, meaning giving myself up, letting myself to fully depend on him.
So I broke up. It was damn hard. It killed me to do it, especially that I was totally drawn to him, let alone he said I was everything what he dreamt of. However, there are no fairy tales and no Prince Charmings. I knew I had to wake up and not let myself sink deeper. Really, that just wouldn't have ended well.
I'm not going to deny, I do miss his mails what waited for me every morning, the short ones when he went to sleep, or worked, and the long ones with tiny details for each and every of my sentences. Of course I miss it, I would be insane not to.
And I know I hurt him and I feel guilty about it. I suggested we could be friends, what I absoulutely regretted at the moment I said it but I'm a selfish bitch and wanted to keep him around. Well, of course, he hasn't talked to me ever since then and probably won't talk to me ever again. What is a shame because I adored the man, I really did but he wanted something, (or shall I say everything) I wouldn't give to him.
Feliratkozás:
Bejegyzések (Atom)