I would give anything, but You want everything

Hey Everybody,

Here I am again. I decided to start blogging again, given that I've actually got stuff to write about. Surprise, things started to happen with me! How wonderful, isn't it?
Let's start with the biggest news and I'll tell the rest in other entries. So, I met a man. That was the kind of moment when you feel the immediate connection. There isn't love at first sight, but there are certain times when something moves in the air and sparkles fly. I could call him a "guy" or "dude", or something silly like those what I usually call the male population but my Doc is a man, big time and he is very well aware of it. It all happened in a blink of a time. Some time between Christmas and New Year I crashed into this man who pushed me so off balance.
I swear, I lost my mind faster than you could say 'Johnny Depp'. He is the dream of the female population, well, those who like strong and confident men. 26 years old, doctor, !Australian! and well, pretty much perfect. Fighter for human rights, clean of drugs, love music, movies, kids and got the attitude, the one what screams "DANGER". He's a dream.
But of course, the problem with perfectness is that it's never last forever and the problem with dreams that you gotta wake up eventually. My dear Doc just wanted too much, probably also too fast. We were rushing like Denzel Washington and Chris Pine on that unstoppable train. We weren't together for 2 weeks and talked about having kids. Okay, I do want kids, rather sooner than later and I could see him as a great daddy but still. For example, just one simple question of the dozen what came into my mind. Where would we live? I don't wanna go anywhere from here. I suppose he didn't want to move either. And there he would say 'we could talk this over, instead of you assuming what I would or wouldn't do'. Pff, the man is a living zen book.
But I liked it, he gave me his full attention. What was also scary in a way. Being with him kept me off balance all the time, just knowing he analyzed every word I said. It's true that women want their man to listen to them, but this is the perfect example of be aware of what you wish for. Full attention can be absoulutely unsettling. I don't get emberassed easily but he managed to blur my thoughts way too easily.
Beside a man like him, well, let's just say I was very aware that I'm a woman. I bet he could easily make believe the ugliest woman in the world that she is the most beautiful in the whole universe. He really is the kind of man who can make any girl feel special.
I was falling fast and unstoppably. I felt the familiar feeling coming closer and closer with everyday and I would have gotten addicted to my Doc (and we mostly only emailed to each other!). And he wanted it. He wanted everything. Rushing things with me and my trust issues is not something anybody in their right mind should do. If you don't want the bunny to run, just stay still and let it get used to you. Mr. Perfect after all got a flaw, impatience, huge time. He wanted me to open up, "surrender" as he put it and then I had to say stop. You might think I freaked out and just cop out, threw away something amazing but I like to think I let my rational side win over my obviously fogged mind.
I've been there, done that and learnt my lesson in a hard way. I'm not about to let myself depend on anyone again. Because that's what he wanted, complete and full trust. I'm not sure if I can give it to anybody ever again, let alone to someone I barely know for 3 weeks. Even if he seemed to be perfect, exactly what I wanted, that doesn't mean he wouldn't have let me down. Because we are people and that's just the way we are. I'm not sure I could recover from something like that one more time and I'm absoulutely not willing to try. I just like to keep little pieces to myself. I believe it's completely normal. What is not normal is what I did back then for a man, meaning giving myself up, letting myself to fully depend on him.
So I broke up. It was damn hard. It killed me to do it, especially that I was totally drawn to him, let alone he said I was everything what he dreamt of. However, there are no fairy tales and no Prince Charmings. I knew I had to wake up and not let myself sink deeper. Really, that just wouldn't have ended well.
I'm not going to deny, I do miss his mails what waited for me every morning, the short ones when he went to sleep, or worked, and the long ones with tiny details for each and every of my sentences. Of course I miss it, I would be insane not to.
And I know I hurt him and I feel guilty about it. I suggested we could be friends, what I absoulutely regretted at the moment I said it but I'm a selfish bitch and wanted to keep him around. Well, of course, he hasn't talked to me ever since then and probably won't talk to me ever again. What is a shame because I adored the man, I really did but he wanted something, (or shall I say everything) I wouldn't give to him.