Sooo... Things are a bit slippery nowadays. I thought after our grown up talk with Danny we could manage. It worked for a while. We did great. I did great. I deal with the situation quite well. Even my walls loosened a bit around him. And amazingly, I realized if I let him closer, he let me closer as well. We had even more adult conversation.
But after a while somehow I sensed Danny getting distant. It wasn't screaming at my face, just little by little. The sword has floated above our heads silently, barely recognizable but it's been there. And then bang, on Wednesday rage hit me again. We agreed to meet back at the bafe in the evening, no exact time, just in the evening. I was waiting for him all evening like a whore beside the road but he didn't show up. I had good time with the others and I didn't want to call him, making myself look desperate but around 11 I couldn't take it more. He forgot to give me a call he met Kitty and they went to his place. I swallowed my anger and said it was fine. But it wasn't fucking fine. I accepted I'm not the first, not the one. I don't act like a brat. But he crossed a line there. I ignore him for a bit, don't wanna get in a fight. Not that I didn't manage that already. I had a fallout with Leigh only because he wanted to help and asked what was wrong. But he should have known better than push, for God sake. I told him I didn't want to talk about it but he didn't leave me alone. I was a bitch with him. So if the Danny situation wouldn't be enough, I have to find a way to make it up to Leigh.
I've got no clue what's going on in that head of Danny but he'd better put his shit together. I wonder if we should just stop talking to each other in general. Maybe that would be the best...
2011. június 25., szombat
2011. június 15., szerda
So at least we're practical enough...
So I talked to Danny. Amazingly, we managed without any of us yelling ugly things at the other, getting distracted by the other's body, even without smartass comments. It was time to come clean. This whole thing, and the way I reacted for him and Jess stucked in my chest. I was so angry that I couldn't breath. I was angry at Danny, Jess and mostly at myself. I was pissed at myself because I knew I could have Danny if I weren't so damn tough, and also because I felt like shit for not being happy for them. Jess is awesome, and I really do mean that and Danny is important for me but the two of them together... I was jealous, I still am but it's different now.
One of Danny's greatest feature is that he knows when to leave me alone. I needed time so I wouldn't bite his throat. Yesterday I went to him. I admit, I missed him and I had such a catastrophical day I knew he would appreciate it.
The elephant was still in the room. It wasn't really awkward, I'd rather say tensed. We were laughing at my clumsiness, talked over his day and all what we normally do but it floated above us mercilessly. Then, only God knows where that came from, I said, "Okay, I guard down. Let's talk." Of course, he was totally shocked, he couldn't say a word for God knows how long, he just stared at me dumbly. But then we talked, no mind games, no walls, no half truth/half lies, just the brutal honesty from both of us. And did it feel fantastic.
Finally, we talked our thing over, cards on the table. That conversation saved our friendship. The thing is, he thinks I would end up hurt if we got together, I think the same, only the other way around, in the end we agreed we would both end up hurt. We are like wounded animals, dangerous to get close to. Danny is the exact same mess as me and if that two would collide... The result is unknown but we both know it wouldn't be pretty. We are both scared of letting the other too close, causing pain to the other, also of getting hurt again. The conslusion was that at least we know we are dangerous.
So that's it, the tale of two cowards. But this, what we have is something meaningful, something rare and we both treasure it, not worth to risk it for the illusion of something bigger, something better what might not be there behind the walls.
One of Danny's greatest feature is that he knows when to leave me alone. I needed time so I wouldn't bite his throat. Yesterday I went to him. I admit, I missed him and I had such a catastrophical day I knew he would appreciate it.
The elephant was still in the room. It wasn't really awkward, I'd rather say tensed. We were laughing at my clumsiness, talked over his day and all what we normally do but it floated above us mercilessly. Then, only God knows where that came from, I said, "Okay, I guard down. Let's talk." Of course, he was totally shocked, he couldn't say a word for God knows how long, he just stared at me dumbly. But then we talked, no mind games, no walls, no half truth/half lies, just the brutal honesty from both of us. And did it feel fantastic.
Finally, we talked our thing over, cards on the table. That conversation saved our friendship. The thing is, he thinks I would end up hurt if we got together, I think the same, only the other way around, in the end we agreed we would both end up hurt. We are like wounded animals, dangerous to get close to. Danny is the exact same mess as me and if that two would collide... The result is unknown but we both know it wouldn't be pretty. We are both scared of letting the other too close, causing pain to the other, also of getting hurt again. The conslusion was that at least we know we are dangerous.
So that's it, the tale of two cowards. But this, what we have is something meaningful, something rare and we both treasure it, not worth to risk it for the illusion of something bigger, something better what might not be there behind the walls.
2011. június 12., vasárnap
Better out alone
I didn't really have anything to write about, things kind of settled down for a while. That *while* ended at Friday night. It's my fault. And I don't deal with it very classy but don't run so forward, let's see what happened.
After our nasty fall out with Danny we both calmed down, got into a very comfy daily routine. It really was surprisingly good, just hanging together, laughing our heart out, teasing each other (within rational lines we silently agreed about), just enjoying each other's company. I should have known it was too good to last.
It's already started on Wednesday. I helped a friend of mine to plan her wedding. It was a helluva lot of work, we did it in less than 2 weeks and then BANG, her low life fiance knocked up a chick. Of course, there were countless tears and all you want in a situation like that. I was very pissed, especially because I couldn't tell the dude off, given he was in the UK. I believe this was the first nail in our coffin. It just reminded me why not to trust anybody.
Then came Friday when Kitty showed up at the bafe, crying her heart out because her boyfriend dumpt her. I knew they had problems, living in a long distance relationship is never easy. Jason (her boyfriend) moved to the US a few months ago. Lately he neglected her and whatever Kitty tried, didn't work. I would have understood his reasons for breaking things with her but not the way he did it. That was beyond cruel. Kitty sent a mail to him the other day that they should talk if he had time (they didn't talk for days by then because he always got something more important to do) and he answered something like this: "Clearly, you are not capable to live in a healthy relationship. Go back to your corner where I found you. Find another poor bastard." Now *that* just pissed me off. How dare he? Who does he think he is?
I guess I don't have to say for the time Kitty left and Danny arrived I wasn't in the brightest of moods. Then he shared the big news about how he got together with Jess and I simply lost it. I broke. It wasn't because he hurt me, *I* hurt myself. He only made it worse, letting me cry it all out, saying things I needed to hear, making me laugh, holding me all night. Again, he was there when I needed him the most. I let this go too far though, or shall I say I let him get too close to the real me. We often joke about my "walls" and how nobody sees behind them. He saw the surface once and this time I let him go even further. That was a mistake, big time.
So what does a mature, adult woman do at times like these? Hide. Yes, I'm hiding. Juvenile? Yes. Could I trust him? Yes. Do I want to? No. Am I coward? Again, yes. Do I give a damn? No. I need to put some distance between us for real this time. I don't know how he does it but I open up to him without realizing what I do and that's just bad. I'm already an emotional mess and I've got enough to deal with. I will have to get back to my "untouchable" act before things got out of hand for good. I don't wanna be a bitch with him, hurt him. Surely, I would be, my alarm set off, sirense scream in my head, !DANGEROUSLY CLOSE! I would push him to the end of his patience and I don't want that. So hiding it is until I gather myself back together and be the cold bitch everybody knows and loves.
After our nasty fall out with Danny we both calmed down, got into a very comfy daily routine. It really was surprisingly good, just hanging together, laughing our heart out, teasing each other (within rational lines we silently agreed about), just enjoying each other's company. I should have known it was too good to last.
It's already started on Wednesday. I helped a friend of mine to plan her wedding. It was a helluva lot of work, we did it in less than 2 weeks and then BANG, her low life fiance knocked up a chick. Of course, there were countless tears and all you want in a situation like that. I was very pissed, especially because I couldn't tell the dude off, given he was in the UK. I believe this was the first nail in our coffin. It just reminded me why not to trust anybody.
Then came Friday when Kitty showed up at the bafe, crying her heart out because her boyfriend dumpt her. I knew they had problems, living in a long distance relationship is never easy. Jason (her boyfriend) moved to the US a few months ago. Lately he neglected her and whatever Kitty tried, didn't work. I would have understood his reasons for breaking things with her but not the way he did it. That was beyond cruel. Kitty sent a mail to him the other day that they should talk if he had time (they didn't talk for days by then because he always got something more important to do) and he answered something like this: "Clearly, you are not capable to live in a healthy relationship. Go back to your corner where I found you. Find another poor bastard." Now *that* just pissed me off. How dare he? Who does he think he is?
I guess I don't have to say for the time Kitty left and Danny arrived I wasn't in the brightest of moods. Then he shared the big news about how he got together with Jess and I simply lost it. I broke. It wasn't because he hurt me, *I* hurt myself. He only made it worse, letting me cry it all out, saying things I needed to hear, making me laugh, holding me all night. Again, he was there when I needed him the most. I let this go too far though, or shall I say I let him get too close to the real me. We often joke about my "walls" and how nobody sees behind them. He saw the surface once and this time I let him go even further. That was a mistake, big time.
So what does a mature, adult woman do at times like these? Hide. Yes, I'm hiding. Juvenile? Yes. Could I trust him? Yes. Do I want to? No. Am I coward? Again, yes. Do I give a damn? No. I need to put some distance between us for real this time. I don't know how he does it but I open up to him without realizing what I do and that's just bad. I'm already an emotional mess and I've got enough to deal with. I will have to get back to my "untouchable" act before things got out of hand for good. I don't wanna be a bitch with him, hurt him. Surely, I would be, my alarm set off, sirense scream in my head, !DANGEROUSLY CLOSE! I would push him to the end of his patience and I don't want that. So hiding it is until I gather myself back together and be the cold bitch everybody knows and loves.
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